


Exposed But Unseen

by MidnightCity



Series: All Of Our Stories [2]
Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-10-18 18:30:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 35,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10622643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightCity/pseuds/MidnightCity
Summary: Following Jeremy and James' relationship into their new life withThe Grand Tour.This story picks up whereWhere The Story Beginsended. It is not necessary to have read the first part, though it might help with some hints.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and welcome back. In the distant times of summer 2016 I asked if anyone would like a continuation to _Where The Story Begins._ To my own surprise people said yes, so here it is :)  
>  I hope you're going to enjoy this as well.

### On A Rainy Day We Kissed

By Jeremy Clarkson

“ _Currently I am sitting in a plane high above the Earth between London and Australia. People complain about a long plane journey, which is understandable when there is a crying child in the row in front, and a woman making out with someone to your left. However, today I find myself enjoying this long journey._

“ _For the last months I have been hounded by paparazzi, followed by the press inquires which were just as unwelcome. It did not take long until my phone exploded from distance acquaintances due to calls: “Maaaate, I read about you and James … isn't it great, would you like to tell me something about this?” Just so that he could sell one or two lines in the Daily Mail._

“ _Let's be clear about something: Two people falling in love is not front page news. Apparently, what makes it front page news is that we are both men._

“ _It itches my nerves for various reasons. Front page news is something that is supposed to make people buy a paper, the most important story at the beginning. A teaser. There are stories about ISIS beheading people, those are front page stories. There is talk about Britain leaving the EU, that also belongs on the cover. But a man falling in love with another man should not be that important._

“ _I have been in journalism for a long time, and thirty, twenty, even ten years ago I would not have been surprised to see a homosexual couple on the cover. But today? When a man can marry a man, and a woman can marry another woman?_

“ _Apparently I am living in a dream world, and the public wants to know what has happened between James and I. If only I could say something romantic like “we had been on a beach while the sun was setting. I could feel the sand between my toes when I turned towards him. The wind was blowing through his ridiculous hair. Then I stuttered >I love you, I always have< and all was right in the world”_

“ _However, when we got together it happened in Britain in November which meant that it was a wet day. James kissed me first, I only had the decency to kiss back. If I am honest, I had never expected James to kiss me at all. Even though there is a slight possibility that I had a crush on him for almost half a year. I felt happy near him, and one day I noticed how much joy I derived by making this silly man laugh. Later I discovered how comfortable I was when I was with him. There is no place where I feel more at home than in James' arms. However, back then I did not know that this man would even slightly return what I felt for him._

“ _Unlike in an epic romance novel we did not elope. If only. Despite our media personas we are sensible human beings. We took the time to truly consider this ... romantic relationship. Until this day I am unsure if we really would have said no, and if we had, would we have managed it?_

“ _Here we were, the feelings for the other returned, the potential to make each other happy all the time, and already a strong friendship to support the relationship. Even before kissing and banging we had known each other inside out …I am glad that I did not have to find it out._

“ _I am in love with this man, and I love him. He snores my ears off and he talks about long and boring subjects, and yet I cannot help myself. When I see him standing in the door frame I know that I am home. When I wake up next to him in a country at the other end of the world, I know that with him this is the place where I am most comfortable. When I make him laugh so hard that he can't control himself any longer, I know that he is the best gift anyone has ever given to me. When he falls asleep on my shoulder while watching a silly action move I know that he feels comfortable as well._

“ _We are co-workers who fell in love, it happens all the time. We were lucky to have found each other, and still be in love with one another. When Katya was a little girl and had a fever but I had to write a column, James carried her to the sofa and read her a story until she had fallen asleep. I had not written a single word that night. I had only felt myself falling deeper in love with him. Recently, he fixed my alarm clock and I watched him from the corner of my eye. I knew that I still loved him, and I noticed that it was more than ever._

“ _I am very happy with James, and I dare to say that he is with me. Falling in love with him was easy, and not painful. It was a comfortable and steady feeling, I was lucky enough to explore more with him until it turned into true and honest love. It was never painful with him – unless we wanted it to be._

“ _Ever since James and I were seen kissing in South Africa, rumours went flying around non-stop. It started with >a gay affair< and the Daily Mirror colourfully made an >illicit affair<, claiming that since they have been creating stories about my life for years they are aware of my lifestyle. Hence they can - with a certain degree of certainty - state how I conduct my personal relationships: Hot, dirty and fast, with no strings attached._

“ _Or maybe they had never paid any attention; only hiding behind a bush taking pictures and then selling whichever story pleased them the most. Even if I would break the entire story about how James and I fell in love, the media would not want to write about this part of our life. They don't care where it began, or where it might end. They only want to know when we fought, for how long it lasted and why. It is an even better story if it has to do with my alleged repressed homosexuality – which is neither repressed nor homosexual. Then they can go ahead and print an extensive exposé on my romantic life - find women and men I may have been with – asking ex-girlfriends and wives if we had anal sex too often._

“ _It hurts me even more that various papers wrote about James and I as if we are not allowed to find love. Maybe that is because of other reasons. Maybe that's because I am Jeremy Clarkson. Maybe that is because they only want to write that everything I do is wrong, and so must be our relationship._

“ _Even if James and I were ready to unveil our private life to the whole world, it would only be torn apart, twisted and turned until this wonderful place that we built becomes something ugly. This is also why I decline to write about this topic for_ The Sunday Times _, and why this article is never going to be published ...”_

 

* * *

 

 

Jeremy sighed as he typed the last sentence. He leaned back into the aeroplane's seat, and looked around him. Richard was typing on his tablet, while James sat to his right, snoring quietly. His mouth gaped wide open, and he looked tragically uncomfortable.

Jeremy rolled his eyes. _What a stupid thing to write about!_ He scolded himself. Nobody would want to know about this part of their relationship, or even his feelings. He was right about that. So he moved the mouse over to the small “x” and clicked it.

“The document has been changed, do you want to save those changes?” his laptop asked him.

Jeremy took a deep breath. He should delete it. He had no intention of selling it, or publishing it on a blog – like his daughter had suggested. Jeremy had only wanted to get his thoughts into a straight line. He had managed to do so. At least he thought he had.

“Does he always look like grandmother when he sleeps like that?” he heard Richard's voice, suddenly next to him.

Without meaning to, Jeremy began to laugh. He covered his mouth with his hand so as not to wake James up. He nodded.

“I have an idea,” Jeremy whispered and dug his phone out. Quietly he took a photo, and wrote a small message beneath. _Oh no, it's dead._ Richard inspected it, and began to giggle quietly. They didn't want to wake James up just yet. Richard and Jeremy would have to wait until the plane landed to send the tweet off.

Maybe that was for the better; Jeremy didn't want to think about the nasty, off topic tweets that this would cause. And if Jeremy would reply in a nasty way to these comments, the yellow-press would only turn it in such a way that Jeremy wasn't willing to deal with. Yet, he clicked save on the laptop. Then he opened a new document. One for his actual column.

Suddenly, he felt James' head land on his shoulder. Jeremy looked over to his side, seeing that James was cuddling closer, so he took the opportunity to pressed a small kiss on James' hair. He waited a moment before he began to write: “The condemned man has a final smoke on the track.”


	2. Blur

James stood in the doorway, the back of the young journalist Jeremy was talking to turned towards him. He overheard her congratulated Jeremy on the good show in Perth.

“Thank you,” Jeremy replied.

When she mentioned their relationship, James saw Jeremy tense up. He could tell that Jeremy tried not to show it. They had a mostly unspoken understanding that they wouldn’t give interviews about that topic, but neither of them had expected to get any serious question so directly. As far as James could hear the journalist’s words were kind. “You seem very happy together, but the whole media flying about ...”

Jeremy only shrugged his shoulders.

_Good man,_ James thought. If he would break out into a rant about the  _Daily Mail_ and their treatment about their ‘alleged homosexuality,’ it would only push their relationship into the spotlight once more.

“... But I assume you had expected something like that,” she finished.

Jeremy huffed out air and rubbed the back of his head. A nervous gesture, James noticed.

Truth to be told, James and Jeremy had expected a fuss. What they hadn’t expected was that it would last for so long, and even less that it would become so dirty. They had prepared for being photographed, and for every small physical contact to be turned into an outrageous gay headline; even for having their sexuality questioned. However, they had not expected that their relationship might be seen as a fling, or worse, a publicity stunt. The thought had never occurred to them because the relationship was too deeply rooted in their hearts and lives.

Jeremy took a deep breath and shook his head. “We didn't think that two fat men could cause such a fuss,” he replied simply.

James shook his head and laughed quietly. That was a good answer, mostly because it was true. Jeremy opened his mouth, but then caught James' eyes.

“Clarkson!” James shouted, getting him out. “Come on, we're waiting for you.”

“Yes, yes,” Jeremy mumbled. He shook the journalist hand and thanked her for the interview. “Coming!”

James smiled at him and turned around to walk back into the Green Room. Jeremy briefly rested his hand on his back to guide him.

“That wasn't too bad, was it?” Jeremy asked.

“The show?” James tried to inquire. “Or your interview?”

Jeremy stopped, and bit his lip. “You're not angry because of that, are you?”

James shook his head. “No.”

“Usually we always discuss what we'll say … so ...” Jeremy mumbled, again rubbing the back of his neck.

James stepped towards him and took his hand. It was shaking slightly, but James knew that it was a mixture of dehydration, and adrenalin from the show. But they'd fix it in no time. “I am not angry,” James tried to reassure him, giving his hand a squeeze.

Jeremy nodded, believing him. Then they started walking again, Jeremy still holding onto James' hand. “But what are we going to say when this comes up in future interviews?” he asked.

James shrugged his shoulders. Their plan not to say anything at all had already failed … Despite everything it wasn't good form to refuse to say anything. They had to give the journalists a little something to work with, even if it was just a joking answer.

“Can we keep on saying that we hate each other?” Jeremy suggested.

“Maybe. I mean, fans don't believe it anyway ...” James remarked.

“Mhm.”

“... and newspapers seem to writing about all of this being fake.”

“Do you mean us?” Jeremy asked, as they reached their colleagues. “Or them?” Jeremy let go of James' hand so he could point at the crew.

Hammond was already busy consuming a bottle of Gin 'n' Tonic. James took out a bottle of water from the fridge and he threw the bottle to Jeremy who managed to catch it just so. “Thank you.” Both were aware that he needed water as soon as possible.

“I meant both?” James answered Jeremy's earlier question, taking a bottle of Rosé from the fridge and sat down on the sofa.

Jeremy followed, taking a seat next to him. “True.”

James filled two glasses. Then he turned to Jeremy. “Hand,” he quietly requested.

Jeremy rolled his eyes. “I can take good care of myself.” But he still offered James his hand. James gently took it, noticing that as Jeremy had already downed half the bottle, the shaking in his hand had lessened.

“Double checking,” James offered, and then handed Jeremy the glass of Rosé.

“Can I join you two, or is this private?” Hammond chirped from the corner while sitting down on the chair next to them.

“You already did, but at least you asked.” Jeremy nudged Richard's leg.

Richard only shrugged his shoulders and lifted his glass of tonic. “To our great show.”

James and Jeremy shared a look but they lifted their glasses.

“Also to you two guys,” Hammond muttered.

“God, he really must be blind drunk!” James exclaimed. “Saying nice things about us.”

“No, I ...” Hammond tried to deflect.

“Spell Sydney,” Clarkson dared him, while he tried to stop himself from giggling by taking a sip.

“Oh shut up!” Hammond shot back. “I was just trying to be nice, because this wasn't an easy year ...”

James leaned closer to Jeremy and whispered loud enough for Hammond to hear “I think he's so drunk he's at the sentimental stage.”

“Mhm. I see what you mean,” Jeremy agreed.

“... I mean it.” Hammond pointed a finger at them. “I know that we're all friends.”

James and Jeremy gasped audibly. “Don't leak it to the press!”

“Come on,” Hammond tried to coax them. However, a moment later he retreated, muttering, “No, forget it.”

James and Jeremy saw how Richard held his glass between his hands and exchanged a look. He might be blind drunk already but … “Out with it Hammond,” Jeremy ordered him.

“No, you've ruined the moment,” Hammond sulked.

James sighed. “If there is anything I learnt from being together with Clarkson, it's that there are no moments.”

Jeremy nodded. “Come on …,” he tried to coax Richard. “... be sentimental and we shall keep the twattery to ourselves.”

Richard sighed. “We've just been through some things,” he began quietly. “And I am glad that we're getting there, you know, to our new show. That we can still … be a unit.”

James took a deep breath and nodded. Jeremy knew how much he hated being sentimental, so he quietly rested a hand on James' back. He didn't need to reply, and Richard knew. All he had wanted was to tell them.

“I am happy that I still have my two best friends,” Richard muttered. Jeremy's lip twitched up.

“Shortarse,” Jeremy said.

Richard look up and smiled. “It wasn't all that easy for you two either, with all the shit people wrote about you.”

James and Jeremy exchanged a look, and James bit his lip.

“I am happy that you've made it through it,” Richard stuttered a little. “There are less flawed couples that break apart because of things like this.”

“Thank you ...” Jeremy replied flatly. Richard innocently shrugged his shoulders. Then Jeremy's features softened. “Thank you,” he added, meaning it this time.

“I know that you make each other happy and all that shit,” Hammond muttered, about to take another sip of his gin. In that moment James reached forward and took the glass from him. “And that you are good for each other …”

“Okay, that's enough,” James warned him. “We know that, okay?”

“Yes,” Hammond leaned back into his chair and let out a long breath.

“As much as it pains me to say this, we also know that we're friends,” Jeremy added quietly. “Otherwise we wouldn't be here, or at least we wouldn't have an almost finished deal with Amazon. As long as I don't fuck anything else up ...” Jeremy tried to joke.

James cut him off by gently saying, “You won't.”

Jeremy smiled weakly, feeling his stomach twist. Hammond's emotional outburst must have let down the guard that protected his own heart. It would pass.

Hammond let out another long breath and shook his head.

“Room-spin?” James asked carefully.

Hammond nodded.

“Maybe we should bring him back into the hotel,” James suggested.

“No!” Hammond protested and tried to sit up. He eventually managed to do so but only resting on his knees. “Give me some water!”

Jeremy did as requested. They watched for a few moments as Hammond downed all what was left in the bottle.

“Wooho!” Hammond cheered and seemed to be back to his old form again. James and Jeremy exchanged a look, feeling a bit old all of the sudden. Then smiles formed on their lips and James shook his head.

“Your car is waiting,” Rowland announced as he appeared behind them.

“Ready?” James asked. Hammond nodded and got on his feet, only to almost fall over. Jeremy managed to catch him in time, so Hammond did not crack his head.

“Aren't we lucky that he weighs nothing,” he huffed and handled Richard so that he was leaning against him.

“Am fine,” Richard muttered. James reached under his free arm, helping him walk. “We better take a fair amount of water with us. Sober him up a bit.”

Jeremy nodded. He reached around Richard's frame, until he accidentally touched James' shoulder. He didn't pull back at once and gave him a slight squeeze. James could feel a small tremor in Jeremy's hand. James looked at Jeremy, seeing a small smile on his face, but before he could check up on him Richard shouted “Stop flirting! Time to listen to music!”

James watched in delight how Jeremy began to laugh, and the question was erased from his mind.

When Jeremy looked at him again, James rolled his eyes. This caused a wide smile to form on Jeremy's lips.

“We're on it,” James replied to Richard.

 


	3. Heartbeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mature bits at the end.

Jeremy felt fear. He couldn't see. He couldn’t breathe, and he didn’t know why. The cold hand that stopped his heart seemed to wander further across his body; holding him captive. Why couldn't breathe? It should be possible. Why?  _Because you're holding your breath._ J eremy realized. He began to kick his legs, feeling his mind return to his body. His legs and his toes felt slightly numb. There was a metallic taste in his mouth. He just knew that death would come if he would open it. His head throbbed, his arms drifted aimlessly. Then Jeremy opened his eyes. But immediately closing them again when he felt a burning sensation.

_Where the fuck was he?_ Jeremy wondered.  _What had happened?_

He was surrounded by water, Jeremy realized. He was underwater. This was why he wasn't able to breathe! But he needed to breathe, which meant he needed to reach the surface. He needed air!

_God, what the fuck had happened?_ Jeremy shook his head.  _How had he end up in this position?_

Jeremy suppressed a sob, knowing that it would be his end. He could find an answer to these questions later, now he needed to find air. Nothing else mattered for now.

Jeremy opened his eyes again. The burning hurt terribly. It was salt water, he was in the ocean. Jeremy turned his head as best as he could. And yet, he couldn't see any light. Maybe it was night …

A moment later it dawned on Jeremy that this meant he had no way of knowing where up and down was. He had heard of people who dived further down because it was impossible to recognize up and down under water.

Jeremy shook his head. He didn’t know how to figure it out. His chest felt too tight, there wasn’t much air left. He had to concentrate. He had to make it through alive, somehow, for his children, to find James. James was always by his side, he should have been right next to him …

_Concentrate!_ Jeremy scolded himself. Then he had an idea: air always travelled upwards!

Jeremy placed his hand under his nose. _Only a little … only a tiny bit,_ Jeremy instructed himself. Enough that he’d know. Then Jeremy let out a small amount of air.

He waited a moment. Suddenly he felt the air bubbles tickle his hand.  _Air always travelled up. Never down._ Never further down. Now he knew which way to dive. This way was up. So Jeremy began to kick, ignoring the pain in his chest. He didn't know how deep he was, but even if this was the last thing he did …

Suddenly, Jeremy felt cold air across his face. _Yes! Thank fuck for that!_ He took deep breaths, several, almost chocking on it. He coughed a few times, and laughed. He had done it!

It took him a moment to regain his bearing, to get back to a reasonable state of mind.

_Where was he?_

There was nothing around. He could hear the ocean, he could hear the waves around, felt how the water carried him. But he couldn't see … anything.

_How did he end up here?_ Jeremy wondered. He remembered that they had been on a plane.  _Had it crashed?_

“James?” Jeremy croaked, surprised by the roughness of his voice. And yet, it was almost inaudible. He could barely hear himself over the noises of the ocean.

However, James had been next to him. They always sat next to each other. James had always been next to him. He wasn't here.  _Where was he?_ Jeremy wondered.  _Could a whole fucking plane sink like that?_ And how could he be left behind without memories of even boarding it, or crashing?

Jeremy looked up, seeing the clear dark sky. He could spot the stars, and a tear ran down his cheek. He remembered one time when he had felt as lost as he did now. James had sat down next to him, holding him while Jeremy had cried unable to stop. Not knowing what to do, James had started to explain which star formation was which, until his knowledge had run out and he began making them up. Another sob escaped Jeremy, he was lost once more.  _What if James was dead?_

No, that was impossible. It couldn't be. “James?!” Jeremy called out again, feeling his throat tighten. He had to be somewhere. After all James was always next to him, even if the whole world changed and shifted.

“James!” Jeremy shouted his name over and over while swimming in circles trying to find any sign of him.

He found nothing. Nothing at all. He was alone.

_No!_ “James!” He screamed louder, noticing that his arms were beginning to feel numb. “James! For god's sake! Where are you?!”

He sobbed, and turned onto his back. He had to rest his arms, he could float on his back for a while. Maybe James would see him, take his hand in his, letting him know that he was there.

Jeremy felt tears running down his cheek. There was only cold water, he couldn’t even hear the waves anymore. He was alone … James was not floating next him, holding his hand, telling him that everything would be all right. Jeremy closed his eyes … and a moment later he felt how the cold water covered his face as well.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Jeremy!”

A voice broke through the haze. “Come here, come here.”

Jeremy kicked, and felt himself choke on tears. He could hardly breathe, he wanted to scream.  _Where was James? Where!?_

“Jeremy?”

Then Jeremy could feel a hand on his shoulder. In response he only curled up more. He didn't want any of this ... “No, Jezza. Come here.” … not when James wasn't next to him. Not when he was … Jeremy sobbed again, not wanting to open his eyes. He didn't need to face this brutal reality.

Suddenly, Jeremy felt warmth enclose him, holding him tightly. He choked on more tears and shook his head.  _Could it be true?_ He carefully wrapped his arms around the warm body.  _It was!_ It was far too familiar. It was like coming home. Only James felt like this. It had to be James! Jeremy sobbed once more. He clutched James' shirt, not wanting to lose him, or let him go, ever.

“It's okay, Jezza.” James’ voice was calm and low, and all the while he ran a hand up and down Jeremy’s back. “It was a dream. A nightmare. You're safe, everything is all right now.”

It had felt so real. It had felt  _too_ real. “I ...” Then another sob escaped Jeremy. He couldn't talk, not yet. He didn't even want to think. He only wanted to feel James, make sure he was right here next to him. He needed to feel his warmth, his whole wonderful being.

Jeremy pressed closer, seeking James' lips out. He could never lose him. He would never allow that to happen. It only took a moment until James kissed him back. Jeremy deepened the kiss, pushing past his lips. A moment later, when they needed air, James gently held Jeremy's face in his hands, pulling back. “Wh--- Are you okay?”

Jeremy nodded. He kissed him again. Of course he was okay, he had James. As long as James was all right … Jeremy pulled even closer, grabbing James' shirt. He kissed him again, hard, barely leaving any room for James to talk. A moment later Jeremy could feel hands on his hips, steadying him as Jeremy moving his hips above James'.

This caused James to emit a small moan, but he gently pushed Jeremy away. He pulled back, his eyes questioning him. Jeremy panted, not saying a word until James spoke. “What are you doing?”

Jeremy shook his head, closing his eyes as he felt the tears well up. “Please,” he begged of him. He needed to know. He wanted to know that James was real, that this wasn't the dream. “I ...”  _I need to know!_ Jeremy couldn't bring it out. He had to push James as far as he could, otherwise … “If you allow … please.”

James nodded. Jeremy wasn't sure what that meant. But a moment later James pressed a gentle kiss onto his lips, letting his hands wander underneath Jeremy's boxers. Jeremy buried his head in James' shoulder, feeling tears fall down his cheek. He could feel James’ head pressing against his, and his breath in his neck, as he placed small and lingering kisses.

James knew, Jeremy realized. He knew that Jeremy was crying.

Jeremy ran his hand through James' hair, gently tugging at it. Jeremy needed to be in control, and so he captured James' lips again, kissing him, warm, hot, and needy. At the same time he moved his hips along with James's, keeping a steady pace, until he was ready to meet James' eyes again. He waited for a moment until James replied with a nod, answering the silent question.

Jeremy brought their cocks together, feeling James' skin against his own as he brought them closer together. He never broke contact with James - he wouldn't dare - always kissing him. Even as he felt James' hand cover his own, stroking them together, as one; in a perfect rhythm. Then James' hips bucked, and he lost pace, moaning, digging his nails into Jeremy's back. Jeremy gently bit James' lower lips, hearing him gasp, feeling himself become breathless as he came too, and collapsed onto him.

Jeremy could feel tears falling down his face as James whispered soothing words. But Jeremy didn’t pay attention to that; instead he could hear James' heart beating hard against his chest. Never stopping, working relentlessly but eventually slowing down a little as they recovered.

_James was alive._

 


	4. Hidden

“They're getting worse.” Jeremy turned around at this statement.

“What?”

James shook his head. Jeremy knew very well what he had meant, he really shouldn't play stupid now. So James didn't offer him a way out. “Your nightmares.” He didn't see the point in pretending that this was about anything else.

Jeremy had had a few nightmares ever since the BBC chose to let him go. James had help him through each of them. Sometimes Jeremy woke up displaced and simply snuggled into James' arms. Other times he would cry while James held him. While they toured parts of Britain and South Africa, the nightmares had almost disappeared but as far as James could tell they had come back over the last two weeks. Even then last night's reaction hadn't been normal either. James had known in the back of his mind that Jeremy needed this. He didn't know why, but Jeremy had needed James to hand himself over, to prove something only Jeremy had known the answer to. Only then had Jeremy calmed back down. He had fallen into a slumber, still sprawled across James. James had watched him for an hour, watching as he had clutched James, but he had appeared to be back asleep again.

Their lives were going well. They were on their way to sign a deal with Amazon, only little things were missing. Their tour was going well, and while the “public” side of their relationship was new it was as strong as ever. Still Jeremy dreamt badly almost every night now, and James couldn't understand why.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Jeremy took another drag of his cigarette.

“Seriously?” James huffed, and fished out his pack of Camel. “Lighter?” he asked quietly and Jeremy handed his over. James lit his cigarette and handed the lighter back to Jeremy, their hands brushing for a moment.

“Okay, maybe ...” Jeremy muttered.

James nodded. He took a deep breath before asking “What was last night's dream about?”

Jeremy stiffened and when James turned he could see that Jeremy's hand was shaking slightly as he took the fag out of his mouth. He threw it onto the pavement and stepped on it. Then he shook his head. “Listen, can we not talk about this ...”

James cut him off. “Not here?” he stated, looking around the empty hotel garden. “Or not at all?” He knew that he was being extremely blunt. But by now James wasn't sure if any other approach would work. He was well aware that Jeremy might shy away, but after Jeremy had fallen asleep again, James had begun to worry that this might be more serious than a few silly nightmares. By the time they had gotten up, James was sure of it.

Jeremy's shoulders sagged. “You won't let this go, will you?”

James shook his head. “No. Would you?”

A weak smile formed on Jeremy's face. “It was just a nightmare. Let's ignore the way I coped with it afterwards.”

“I didn't mind that, Jeremy,” James tried to reassure him as he looked around and noticed that they were alone. So he took a step towards his partner and gave his hand a squeeze. “Listen, I'm worried that you … that you have so many nightmares, and so vividly.”

Jeremy bit his lip. James could feel his finger caressing his hand. “I don't know, James.” There was a moment in which Jeremy seemed to consider. “I just … I'm just scared.”

James frowned. “Of what?” There was nothing to be scared of. Everything was going fine.

He took a deep breath, and stared over James' shoulder for a while. James assumed that he was thinking. “It … it feels like … I don't fucking know.” Jeremy let out a weak laugh.

“What?” James kept digging.

“It feels like I'm about to run away from the biggest fuck-up of my life. But it's no use, it's around the corner, already waiting for me.” Then he shook his head, and rubbed the back of his neck. “It doesn't make any sense. I know that. But ...”

“... you're still scared,” James finished for him.

Jeremy nodded, not adding anything else.

James bit his lip, and looked at Jeremy's feet for a moment. “Are you scared because of the Amazon thing?”

“I don't know.” That was the only reply James got.

A moment later, James could feel Jeremy's hand slipping out of his own. James turned around, seeing Hammond walk towards them. “There you are,” he announced cheerily. “Listen, finish the rom-com ...” Despite his bad timing, James could feel a small tug on his lips. “We've got a plane to catch.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jeremy mumbled behind him, and gave James a small nudge.

James turned around. It seemed like their prior conversation had never happened. All the vulnerability, fear and hurt James had seen in Jeremy's eyes a moment ago had disappeared. Jeremy was hiding it, James realized. Then it dawned on him that it was possible that Jeremy might not even know that he was doing this. It worried James because he knew how much Jeremy needed to be in balance with himself to function properly.

“Erm … Jez?” James called out as he walked past him. “How about … a nice warm bath back in London?”

Jeremy frowned for a moment, a lop-sided smile on his lips. “Didn't realize I smelt that bad?”

James shook his head. “After 21 hours on planes you are going to.”

Jeremy laughed, but nodded. “Sounds lovely.”

 


	5. Water

James hummed happily as he turned the tap off. Then he carefully stuck a hand into the warm water. It was just perfect for them. James sighed, hoping that this would help Jeremy relax. He knew that things had been touch and go while they had been hiding in their unfinished pub. And even though Jeremy was ready to face the world now – not that they had much choice -, it didn't mean that he was able deal with it without problems. James figured that it would become easier if they would take a little time for themselves. Just them, no work, no phones, no contracts, no tour.

As he added bath oils to the water, he called Jeremy's name. “Our bath is ready!”

Sometimes they showered together in the morning, gently washing each other with soap, and having a morning conversation, James mused. Other times they would do so after going out with friends, adding small kisses. On occasion they added lazy hand-jobs. Oddly enough, they rarely took baths together. So it was something special: one relaxing on the other's shoulder while they would hardly speak. James could busy himself with tracing the freckles on Jeremy's shoulder.

For that, James would need the man in question, who hadn't appeared yet. James hadn't even heard him trundle up the stairs.

“Jezza?” James asked in a sing-song.

No response.

James sighed and abandoned the bathtub. “Don't do anything without us,” James warned it.

 

* * *

 

“Yes, of course,” James heard Jeremy's voice in the living room. His back was turned towards James while he was talking on the phone. “This weekend? So you need it when?”

There was a pause, and James could see that Jeremy took a deep breath. He didn't like the answer.

“I don't think that I'll manage ...”

Apparently he was cut off, and James could see that Jeremy clenched his fist. Then he shook it, as if that would remove the tremor James could still see in his fingertips.

“... I know that, but you have to find someone else. I only just returned from Australia, and I can't put two words together, let alone a sentence.” It was obvious that Jeremy was talking to his editor.

James walked up to him and cleared his throat. Jeremy turned slightly, nodding to him to acknowledge his presence. James saw that his face was taunt. It was obvious that he didn't want to have this phone conversation.

“No, I'd have to start now and ...” James felt a twist in his stomach at the words. Before Jeremy could finish the sentence, he snatched the phone away from Jeremy. “James!” Jeremy protested with a small whine.

“He hasn't got the time,” James ended the conversation for him.

“We need ...”

“No, find someone else,” James then hung up.

Jeremy looked at him, eyes wide as James gave him his phone back.

James shrugged his shoulders. “What?”

Then a smile broke out and Jeremy shook his head. “You must have been hell in school.”

“At least I wasn't thrown out,” James shot back.

Jeremy rolled his eyes as he took the hand James offered. He left the phone on the couch table, out of earshot for the rest of the day.

The only way Jeremy would have managed an additional piece was if he'd start now. This would have meant not spending some quiet time together with James. Even Jeremy must be aware that he needed a little rest after the long journey and tour. Furthermore, their contract with Amazon was waiting.

“There you are Mister Clarkson,” James stated as he opened the bathroom door for him. Jeremy smiled and nodded. It was perfect.

“Thank you, Mister May,” Jeremy replied, bending down to gently kiss James on the lips.

James hummed happily, and then palmed Jeremy's chest. He began to unbutton his shirt, slowly starting at the top and working his way down. Jeremy watched happily, seeing his fingers work. James untucked the shirt from Jeremy's trousers, and then stripped it off of his shoulders.

Jeremy kissed him once more, letting his hands travel over James' chest, and pulled the t-shirt over his head. He smiled down at James, letting his fingers trail over the small batches of chest and tummy hair. Eventually Jeremy couldn't help himself; he let his fingertips dance over the sensitive spots underneath James' tum. A moment later James began to giggle and wheeze.

James held onto Jeremy's shoulders. “Stop,” he begged laughing, and pressed himself closer to Jeremy, feeling the warmth from his body. He kissed Jeremy's lips, caressing the back of his neck. Then he pulled the belt from his loops and stepped back. “Strip.”

“What?” Jeremy asked and cocked his head to the side.

“As compensation for tickling me.” James bit his lip.

Jeremy rolled his eyes, and simply stepped out of his trousers. It was not particularly sexy, James had to admit. But that did not stop James from letting his eyes wander along these long and strong legs. James let out a content sigh.

“Happy?” Jeremy asked, resting his hands on his hip.

“Boxers?”

Jeremy frowned, and then mocked shock. “What? You want to see my private parts?”

James shrugged his shoulders. “Are you shy?”

Jeremy shook his head, and slipped out of his underwear as well. “Your turn before I get cold.”

James bit back a joke that it already looked like Jeremy was cold, and nodded. James slipped out of trousers and pants as well, stepping into the tub. He rested against the edge and offered Jeremy a hand to help him inside.

Jeremy was careful, sticking his toe in first, before he slipped under the water as well.

“Come here.” James snaked his arms around Jeremy's middle and pulled him closer. It only took a moment until Jeremy leaned back, resting his head on James' shoulder, closing his eyes.

They stayed like this for a long time, James letting his head rest against Jeremy's. They were quiet, not saying a word, breathing deeply enjoying the warmth that surrounded them, slowly feeling the knots in their muscles undo. Then Jeremy let out a small happy hum.

James smiled at that, and kissed the top of his head. “Love you,” he mumbled, even though it was cheesy and he should have thought of something better.

Jeremy nodded in reply. “Love you too.” Then he let out a sigh, and shifted slightly. James let go, so Jeremy could move freely, and he watched as Jeremy turned over so he could look at James better.

“Are we planning something naughty?” James asked, slightly confused.

Jeremy shook his head. “After 21 hours on a plane, no.” And yet, Jeremy edged closer, now resting on James like he would hug a teddy bear.

James smiled and kissed Jeremy's head, wrapping his arms around him again. He wanted to keep him in place, not that he'd accidentally slip under the water …

“Thank you for … you know, nicking my phone,” Jeremy mumbled after a while.

James nodded. “No problem.” Then he waited a moment. “What was it about?”

“Nothing, they just needed a quick piece for the weekend but that would mean it should be done by midnight or tomorrow morning,” Jeremy sighed. “Not that it wouldn't be possible ... just that … I mean we planned that and ...”

“You're tired, Jez, they won't hate you for that,” James argued. “It's not the first time you didn't take additional offers.”

“I know,” Jeremy mumbled. “It's … it's nothing really.”

James frowned, and bit his lip. He knew that he shouldn't pry, usually he gave Jeremy all the time in the world to deal with everything himself. At some point Jeremy would open up to James, or the problem would solve itself. James was all right with that. But with the nightmares getting worst, and the tremors in his hands, James ignored this rule and asked. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Jeremy replied and cuddled closer to James. Then he pressed a kiss on James' shoulder, and let his teeth graze the skin. James enjoyed the feeling and took a deep breath.

“Sure?” James asked as he ran his hand through Jeremy's hair.

Jeremy let out a sigh, and leaned back slightly. “There's this  _Sunday Times_ reporter, ever since we ...” Jeremy made a gesture that James couldn't quite understand “... she's been nagging for an interview with me.”

“So?”

“I said no, it's rubbish,” Jeremy muttered. “I don't want to talk about getting fired, losing my mother, fucking you, or anything else that happened in the last two years. I don't even want to think about it. ”

James nodded, agreeing quietly. “But?”

Jeremy sighed. “It's … I am also a part of  _The Sunday Times_ so ...” Jeremy shrugged his shoulders.

“Jezza,” James began carefully. “You are in no away obligated to tell _The Sunday Times_ anything about your private life. It's your job, but this is your private life.”

Jeremy nodded.

“Besides, we have more important things than ...” James mimicked the gesture Jeremy had made a moment ago. “... that.”

“Yes.” Jeremy smiled at him and stretched to kiss him. James captured his lip, resting his palm on his cheek, and stroking it while kissing back.

 

* * *

 

Eventually, James managed to kiss along the freckles on Jeremy's back. After an hour of being transported into another state of comfort, they had moved into the bedroom, remaining naked. Jeremy was drowsy and hardly here any more. James had towelled him dry, always leaving tiny kisses on his thighs, hipbone, belly, shoulders, cheek, head and lips.

Then he had helped Jeremy crawl into their bed, wrapping a blanket around his hips, knowing that Jeremy was very coy about being so exposed. In his state Jeremy had turned onto his stomach, dozing while James was gently massaging him. James got a happy hum as a reply.

After a few minutes, James added kisses. A small goodbye kiss to his left shoulder when he would start to massage the other, and eventually James ended up kissing his back. Later he added Jeremy's shoulders, arms, and kissed along his spine as well. James nuzzled his nose happily, resting from time to time. He enjoyed the feeling of the warm skin so close to him.

James sat back on his heels, letting his hand drift over Jeremy's bare back. It took a moment to notice how deeply Jeremy was breathing.  _He's asleep._ James figured. James didn't want to test that theory by even slightly waking him up, so James left another kiss on his shoulder, then slipped out of the bed to turn off the lights. Afterwards he crawled back into the bed next to Jeremy, who was blissfully lying on his stomach. James snuggled onto Jeremy's shoulder, aware that he might turn over at night.

“I love you,” James whispered and kissed his cheek. This caused Jeremy to tuck his feet closer to himself, and let out a soft sleepy noise.

James breathed out a content sigh, closing his eyes and falling asleep as well.

 


	6. Celebration

“We’re going out,” James declared as soon as Jeremy walked through the door.

“Sorry?” James didn't bother that Jeremy was taken aback by the proposal. He laid his hands on his shoulders to turn him back around again.

“Celebrate,” James elaborated. “New show, beer, wine, little snacks; Hammond and Mindy are in town.”

Jeremy smirked. “Weren’t they confused by electricity?”

James shook his head and briefly kissed Jeremy's lips. “Come on.”

“Yes, just let me change my shirt,” Jeremy tried to wind out of James’ grip.

“Since when are you a fashionista?”

Jeremy had been with his daughter most of the day. They had celebrated a little on their own over a glass of wine, and then they had retired to more comfortable small talk and the newest events in Emily's life.

“I’ve always been a pioneer when it comes to fashion,” Jeremy tried to fib. He shifted his weight from side to side. “Okay, I really need to go to the bog.”

James laughed, content with the answer and stepped aside to let Jeremy pass.

“At least change your shirt for continuity,” James offered. By then the door had already slammed shut and James could only make out a muffled _shut up._

To pass the time, James petted Bounce who was contently sleeping on the sofa. He purred softly at the contact, only to stretch his paws and offer James his belly.

James had noticed that Jeremy was worried about their new deal with Amazon; everyone was, there was no way of denying that. They had to set up a production company. There was no-one to go back crying to when the money ran out. Negotiating the contract had been bad enough for James, as far as he had been concerned he had tried to spend as much time as possible near the tea kettle.

However, Jeremy had become slightly fidgety again. James thought the nightmares weren’t as bad as they had been in Australia, but he couldn't be sure. James noticed that sometimes Jeremy would curl up in a corner on one side of the bed, holding back tears, in an effort to not wake up James. But James would roll over and enclose him in a hug, always letting Jeremy believe that he was still asleep. Jeremy really didn’t want to talk about what was going on. James knew that even if he could force Jeremy to talk, it would cause damage to the trust in their relationship. So this was all James could do: make sure the man ate regularly, take his mind of things, and be available should Jeremy want to talk.

James assumed that going out with friends and complaining about the small worries, of course in the fashion of a joke would help Jeremy cope; giggling that they would fall down a sledge, or that nobody would watch it. It would show Jeremy that he wasn't alone …

Suddenly James felt a hand on his shoulder “What the?” James spun around. “Oh.”

“I am just ‘oh’?” Jeremy asked with a smirk on his lips. “Where have you been?”

“Lost in thought,” James explained, noting now that Jeremy had changed his shirt after all. “Ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Jeremy gave his shoulder a squeeze.

“Come on, let’s get drunk,” James announced and got to his feet.

Sadly this movement had been accompanied with a considerable groan, which only caused Jeremy to laugh at him.

“Old lady,” Jeremy muttered under his breath as he opened the door for him.

 

* * *

 

In the pub they were sitting in a quiet corner, and James gladly noted that the evening was progressing well. Jeremy had paid the first round and then started to make fun of the slightly delayed Mister Wilman. When they had ordered food, James and Jeremy had their usual mock fight if James was allowed to sleep in Jeremy's bed if he ate curry. This caused the Wilman and the Hammond family to pick a side each. By the time the debate seemed to near its end the curry was already in James' stomach.

James sat back and let out a happy sigh as he watched Hammond argue relentlessly with Mindy about some piece of clothing. James was about to add something to the conversation when his gaze landed on Andy. He was frowning as he stared at something opposite of him. James followed it, seeing that Andy looked at Jeremy; but only at his hand. Only then became James aware that Jeremy was tapping relentlessly on the wooden table. It was not in rhythm, and the noise was overshadowed by the voices in the pub.

James looked back at Andy who was biting his lip now. It wasn't annoyance; he was … worried, James realized. Andy looked up, meeting James' eyes, and smiled sadly.  _It must mean something, Andy must know what the tapping meant. What was it?_ Before anything left James' mouth, Andy joined Hammond's conversation. “I hope the stupid shirt falls apart by the end of the month!”

“What?!” Richard squeaked.

 

* * *

 

“I’ll go for a piss and then we’ll bugger off,” Andy announced, and rested a hand on Missus Wilman.

James shook his head – this seemed to go unnoticed, since he was leaning back, resting his shoulder against Jeremy's frame. But James had not found a moment when Andy and James could have been alone. James had not had the chance to ask Andy about the look from earlier. There must have been something that Andy had noticed but James had missed, or didn't know what it meant.

By the time James had worked out that asking tomorrow or via phone might cause Andy to go into denial, Andy had already disappeared in the loo. James cleared his throat. “Erm … I’ll also go for a piss.”

“Uuuuuh,” Richard chimed in, and began to laugh in the middle of it. “Ow!”

At that moment, James guessed had Jeremy had kicked him under the table, but James could not hear the banter that followed. He was already on his way to the loo, catching Andy in the right moment. The man was standing at the washing basin as James walked in.

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” James asked carefully.

Andy sighed. “What? In here?”

James shrugged his shoulders, and watched as Andy towelled his hands. He could see that Andy was contemplating various bad jokes, but then he settled for a simple. “What is it?”

“I’ve seen you look at Jeremy tonight …” James began carefully. He could see a moment later how Andy’s stance changed, it was less open, colder. “… what was it?”

“Nothing,” Andy stated. It was a blatant lie.

“You saw something, what was it?” James didn’t let go.

Andy shook his head. “How about you talk to him instead.”

He tried to push past James, to end the conversation. “Wilman,” James began quietly, stopping him. “I am worried. I am not even sure … if he’s aware of it.”

Andy stopped, and let his head fall. Then he took a deep breath. “He’s sleeping badly, isn’t he?”

James nodded.

“Did he eat enough during the tour?”

James shrugged his shoulders. If he was honest he hadn’t paid a lot of attention to this; Jeremy had taken meals with them, but James wasn't sure how much he had eaten. He was a big man after all, it would take a while until he would starve. James kept that joke to himself.

“Fidgety?”

“Sometimes,” James muttered. “Andy, tell me what’s going on, please.”

Andy took a moment in which he seemed to consider. “I don’t know what’s going on, James. I swear, he hasn’t been talking to me in secret. God knows he does, but not this time.”

James bit his lip and shifted his weight. “But you’ve seen this before?”

Andy nodded.

“What happened?” If James would know he might be able to stop it from happening again.

Andy sighed. “I … I can’t tell you that.”

James clenched his fist, suddenly feeling an irrational amount of anger at his friend.

“Just be there, please,” Andy requested. “But I honestly can’t tell you _that._ He has to.”

James nodded, feeling the anger fade away again. “The first time … did he talk to you?”

Andy shook his head. “I am not even sure he aware that anything had been wrong with him.”

James bit his lip; neither was James now. “I’ll …” But he cut off.

Andy carefully patted his shoulder and walked past him. This time James didn’t try and stop him.

For the rest of the evening, even when they left the pub to wander the streets of London, James never let go of Jeremy’s hand.

 


	7. Control

The headache had started an hour ago, it wasn't getting any better, Jeremy knew as much. He had barely slept at all the night before, his mind listing possible problems that he couldn't change. Then he had realized that those problems wouldn't be there in the first place if he wasn't there. They would be better without him. James and Richard would have kept making a good show … But Jeremy was here, and he fucked everything up. Relationships, parenthood, jobs … It was only a matter of time until it would happen with this as well. He was … him after all! That was enough reason, and it had led to a restless night for him.

Luckily, coffee had helped Jeremy through the day. A lot of coffee. Usually, Jeremy enjoyed the bitter taste of coffee and the small kick, but not this time; this time he needed to keep going. At four in the evening his stomach had rebelled against the coffee combined with the lack of food. Jeremy had rushed to the toilet only to see everything come back out again. It had not been a pretty sight. But he didn't think that anyone had noticed, at least hopefully not James. Jeremy did not want James to worry more about him than he already did.

Everything was fine after all; he had merely slept badly. That happens. It had happened before. Jeremy was an insomniac by nature. But even during bad nights Jeremy always slept enough so that the follow day would not feel empty, or as draining as this had felt. Listening to Richard recounting his weekend had drained Jeremy. He had been unable to pay attention, only looking for cues when he was supposed to laugh, nod or mutter some sort of reply. Despite loving Richard, he could not give a single fuck about it. All Jeremy had wanted at that moment was crawl back into his flat. He didn't want to hide, that would be stupid, but at the same time he didn't want to do anything at all. He wanted the whole world to leave him alone, nobody knowing him, no responsibilities, never hearing a word about the “recently sacked motormouth” again.

_That is hiding!_ Jeremy finished the sentence in his diary. He thought that writing in it would help him to free his mind before turning in for the night. He had kept a diary for years, not always writing in it, sometimes too tired, too exhausted, or thinking that nothing noteworthy had happened. Reading it was more like reading a collection of special events, ideas, and many notes. Jeremy let out a sigh and kept on writing.

The headache was a simple consequence from being so god-damn tired. Jeremy had noticed that around 6 PM he had become slightly dizzy. Small waves that could be overcome by standing still for a moment. An hour later his back had become stiff, and Jeremy had been unable to relax.

_Then it's usally only a matter of t----,_ Jeremy angrily crossed out the words. How could he misspell “usually”! Jeremy cursed, digging his pen into the paper, making grooves as he crossed out the whole line. “Arg!” This whole thing was stupid. This shit would not help anyone!

“FUCK!” Jeremy shouted, closing the book and throwing it against the wall. He heard a heavy thud, followed by glass shattering.

_What have I done?_ Jeremy wondered. He felt like he had returned to the scene only now.  _Had he done this? Had he thrown his diary against the wall because he had misspelled a word? Who does that?_

Jeremy could feel his vision blur. Wobbly feet carried him over to the corner, where he found his diary and a broken picture frame. The glass had shattered. But it didn't look like it had cut the picture underneath: one of James and Jeremy near a pool, Jeremy with his arm around the other man's shoulders, James leaning against him, laughing.

_Why can't he be like that any more?_ Jeremy wondered as he picked up the bigger glass pieces of glass.  _Why is he so broken instead? Why did he destroy everything?_

Jeremy sniffed and picked up his diary again. When he looked down, he saw a faint red line on it.

“Jeremy?” He heard James' voice, whispering, coming from right behind him. Then James rested a hand on his shoulder.

“I am sorry,” Jeremy sniffed. “I didn't mean to break it ...”

James didn't say anything as he knelt down next to him.  _Of course, he was angry._ It was one of James' favourite photographs. Now Jeremy had gone ahead and broke it.

“We'll buy a new frame,” James explained calmly.

Then Jeremy could feel James' hand cover his, turning over his palm. He could see a cut at the palm of his hand, stretching from his index finger to his middle finger.

“Come on,” James whispered. He got back on his knees, offering Jeremy a hand.

Jeremy looked helplessly at him. “I ...”

“Jez?” James asked quietly. He worried. He worried a lot.

Jeremy took James' hand, holding his diary in the other. He could hardly feel the pain from the cut. James led him into the bedroom and sat him down on the edge of the bed. “Get into your jim jams,” he ordered as he left for the living room again, most likely to clean up the mess Jeremy had created.

Jeremy smiled weakly. He had always liked the word  _jim jams_ , and knew that James was using it to try and cheer him up a little. But it was to no avail. Suddenly Jeremy shook his head and burst into tears.

“Jeremy?” James called from the living room. Jeremy shook his head. It was hopeless … He didn't want to cry. Then James was there, sitting down next to him, wrapping his arms tightly around Jeremy. “Sssh.”

Jeremy didn't have the strength to hug him back. His chest felt too tight, like he couldn't breathe. The crying didn't help; it should relieve him, yet it didn't. It was only pressing him further down, hurting him more.

“I am here,” James whispered.

Jeremy let out a frustrated yelp. He wanted to scream and shout. He wanted … Before he knew it, Jeremy hit his legs. To his own surprise it did not hurt. It was dull.

“Jeremy?” He could faintly hear James' voice in the distance.

Jeremy let out another shout, this time hitting his head. “Stupid! Stupid! Work!” he demanded, feeling the slaps, the dull pain. The pain became hot, burning and sharp the more he hit himself, but the anger edged away.

“No!” James shouted. “Clarkson, NO!”

Jeremy wanted to hit again – it helped! - but he felt James' arms around his wrists, stopping him, tugging him to James; holding him in place so he couldn't hurt himself anymore.

Jeremy tried to fight him off. But James was strong, stronger than Jeremy thought he was. Jeremy began to cry again, barely able to breathe.  _Why was he like this?_

 


	8. Aftermath

Jeremy could not feel anything. He opened his eyes again, moving slightly to look around. He was in their bedroom in James' house. He was in James' arms. The man was mumbling words Jeremy couldn't understand but the tone was calming.

It didn't matter to Jeremy. There was a dull ache radiating from the side of his head to the back of it. Jeremy had hit himself there.  _It was a bad thing, wasn't it? Yes, it was bad,_ Jeremy thought, but he didn't care about that either. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget about this. He wanted to forget that his whole life had fallen apart in front of him and he had been helpless; that the only thing he caused people was pain. _Even James,_ Jeremy added. If he wouldn’t be broken, James could have had a good night’s sleep. He would lie next to someone who was worthy of him …

Jeremy inched away. He could feel James' finger under his chin, wanting Jeremy to look at him, but he shook his head. He didn't want to look at James.

James gave up, but he tried to keep an arm around Jeremy even as Jeremy tried to shuffle away. He wanted to be alone.  _James should fuck off, get a life, find someone better_ ! As soon as the thoughts crossed his mind, Jeremy felt a painful tug at his heart. It was too much to bear.  _It's true, he would be better without you._

Jeremy got up.

James was one of the best things that had happened to him. He was gentle, caring and always there. Jeremy argued with himself as he walked towards the bathroom to wash his face.  _Yes, that's exactly why he should have someone better._

Jeremy clenched his teeth, feeling anger and frustration rising up in him. “Jeremy?” James asked from behind him. “Don't hit yourself again.”

_But it helps!_ Jeremy wanted to shout back. Jeremy let out a sob, feeling his fingers tingle. He shouted and hit the wall instead. The pain that followed was unbelievable. He couldn't remember hitting so hard before.

Jeremy looked down at his left hand, it was shaking slightly, and for the time being it seemed impossible to bend his fingers. The dull ache turned into sharper pins and needles. Even the knuckles were raw, Jeremy noticed.

A moment later James was standing behind him. His eyes wide.  _He was scared._ Of course he would be, he had had a boyfriend who had beaten the shit out of him. And now Jeremy couldn't control himself. He didn't want to hurt James, never James. But Jeremy was capable of hurting people as the past had shown. Jeremy vowed to rather hurt himself again than James.

Despite James' obvious fear, he didn't shy away from Jeremy. He took his hand in his, inspecting the damage. Together they walked into the bathroom. James lay a towel on the edge of the tub, asking Jeremy to sit down.

Jeremy nodded, watching as James collected his first aid kit.

“How are you feeling?”

Jeremy shrugged his shoulders. He didn't have the slightest. But … “I am not angry any more.”

“Good.”

“Dealt with that.”

James winced as soon as the words had left his mouth. In response Jeremy bit his lips and looked onto the floor again, seeing his raw hand. He clenched it slightly. The fingers were moving, so it seemed that he had not broken anything.

Then James appeared in his view, kneeling down in front of him. He turned Jeremy's hand over, disinfecting the cut. He put a plaster on it. Then he disinfected the wound. After this was done he pressed a small kiss onto the knuckles.

“So it heals better,” James explained weakly.

Jeremy let out a laugh, and despite thinking that all feelings had left his body, a tear ran down his cheek.

“What's wrong?” James asked, cupping his cheek, gently stroking.

Jeremy shrugged his shoulders. “I am …” He fumbled for words. How was he supposed to explain that it was too much, the smallest task seemed to scare him. This frustrated him, after all he couldn't do anything! This was because he was utterly useless which in turn made him angry. How could anybody be this useless? So worthless, so “... broken.”

James frowned, but he didn't say anything. Jeremy was a little surprised, normally James would tell him rubbish; to not be stupid. But he was quiet … James had seen it too.

“We'll figure it out,” James told him in the calmest voice he seemed to be able to manage.

“Tell me something nice,” Jeremy requested all of the sudden.

“Huh?” James got back onto his feet, offering Jeremy his hand again.

“A nice story, or anything to take my mind off of this.”

Together they walked back into the bedroom, where James helped Jeremy strip his clothes. While he tugged at his shirt he began to talk. “Once upon a time, two fat men were in Whitby. The dragon who paid them had asked them to find hidden gold.”

Jeremy listened while he huddled up between the sheets. James walked around the bed, slipping in beside him. He embraced Jeremy with ease, holding him as tightly as possible, James’ face resting on the soft spot between his neck and shoulder. James kept talking. “The men went to Whitby, searching all day for the hidden treasure. At night they craved food, and so they took the best horses. Sadly all the shops were closed, but then they found a wonderful fish and chips place.”

Jeremy smiled quietly; he knew this story sounded familiar.

“Instead of locking the horses, the brave Prince Clark and the love of his life Earl May decided that Prince Clark would get the fish and chips while May would guard the horses. After ten minutes, Prince Clark still hadn’t returned, so Earl May began to worry.” James made a brief pause while adjusting their pillow. “Not about his safety of course … rather that he would forget the napkins. There was nobody on the streets so Earl May figured that it was safe to follow his partner. Prince Clark was annoyed that Earl May would think that he'd forget such things, and called the Earl pedantic. But only after he had placed his order did it dawned on them that their ….”

Jeremy didn't hear the rest of the story; the calm sound of James' voice had lulled him into sleep.


	9. Strong

James looked up when the doctor called for him. "May?" James nodded. "Can we borrow you for a moment?"

James nodded. "Everything all right?" He regretted the question the moment it escaped his lips. Ever since Jeremy had agreed to see his doctor he had told himself that it would be nothing. But now he had to admit that required more than an easy fix. "Never mind," James mumbled as he got up. The doctor smiled weakly and held the door open for him.

As he walked into the room he could see Jeremy sitting on the bed, still tying one of his shoes with a shaky hands. James cleared his throat and watched as Jeremy looked up and tried to flash him a smile. Sadly James could make out that his eyes were red-rimmed, and he didn’t like that implication, even though it didn’t surprise him.

James took a deep breath and sat down next to Jeremy. After Jeremy had managed to tie his shoes, the doctor took a deep breath.

"Right, Mister Clarkson," she began, nodding at him. James knew that this woman could be trusted. After all she had dealt with Jeremy's falling apart body, mental state, and sometimes awkward questions for as long as James could remember. "Do you want to jump right into it, or …?"

James looked at Jeremy, but he only shrugged his shoulders, wringing his hands together. James took a deep breath, not sure if he was allowed to answer for him and simply stated, "Out with it."

James was pleased that Jeremy nodded, seemingly agreeing with the statement.

"Stress induced anxiety," she stated. It was a firm but frighteningly simple statement.

"What?" Jeremy asked, seemingly at a loss. "I'm not even working at the moment." James was about to disagree with that statement but was cut off. "Also I'd just be nervous all the time, not ..." Jeremy left the rest hanging.

"Anxiety can show itself in a variety of ways. For example, crying is most of the time a reflex in reaction to very strong emotions, in your case fear or stress," she explained calmly.

"Okay, then what about ... the violence?" Jeremy was picking his words carefully.

"You said yourself, after you've hit yourself over the head ..." Unlike Jeremy she wasn't trying to make it sound less terrible than it had been. "... that you've felt better, calmer again. You would get frustrated with yourself until you needed a way to get rid of the anxiety. People have those coping mechanisms; usually, they're ... less violent."

James took a deep breath and looked at Jeremy. His eyes were watering. James bit his lip, wishing that it would be so simple: that taking Jeremy in his arms would solve this.

"What's the alternative?" Jeremy asked.

"We would need a psychiatrist for further tests," she went on. "I am fairly confident about this diagnosis. I am going to run this by a colleague to make sure, but given that you haven’t been able to decently cope with various events from ...," she trailed off seeing that Jeremy was shaking his head, and stopped listening.

Then James saw him wiping something away from under his eyes. He was crying, or trying very hard not to. James cleared his throat and turned to the doctor. "Could we have a moment?" James asked politely. "Please?"

She nodded, mumbled a  _yes_ and left the room. As soon as they were alone, he placed a hand on Jeremy's shoulder, giving him a squeeze. "Jezza?"

Jeremy shook his head, sniffing. "I can't do this," he mumbled and more tears fell down his face.

"Hey. We can," James muttered. "Can I ... hug you?" he asked, unsure how much contact Jeremy was comfortable with right now.

Jeremy nodded, and a moment later Jeremy was resting under his chin, holding onto him. All while, James mumbled small words of love and ran his hands up and down Jeremy’s back; knowing that it calmed him

"James, I ... I can't do this!" Jeremy protested, while he choked on more tears.

James didn't know how to reply. “ _Everything will be all right”_ felt wrong and out of place. It was like the words were running away. All he could do was give Jeremy another squeeze.

"And why the fuck haven’t I noticed sooner?!” Jeremy cursed.

James sighed. "Maybe there was a trigger," James replied carefully. He knew that the last year hadn't been pretty - not at all. Would it really be that surprising to James if Jeremy hadn’t been able to cope until the problems piled on top of each other and it became unbearable? It saddened James that the answer was  _no_ .

Jeremy detached carefully, and wiped the tears away. "Great, so I am a fucking lunatic now," Jeremy laughed bitterly while he spit out the words.

"Jeremy, don't say that."

"Why not?" His tone was vile, and it hurt James more to know that it was directed towards himself rather than at James. "It's fucking true!"

James bit his lip and shook his head. Even if it was, that didn't mean that James would love him any less, or that anyone working with him would respect him less. James blinked, trying not to tear up now. "Jezza, I ..."

"And imagine when my medical files are leaked;  _The Mirror_ is going to have a fun time," Jeremy went on, not hearing him.

"Jeremy, that's very unlikely,” James began carefully and covered his fist with his hand. He pushed his thumb between his clenched fingers, untangling them."... we'll make it together, I promise you."

In that moment, he watched Jeremy break: his face twisted and he shook his head. Suddenly an anguishing sob escaped him. "I don't want this." Jeremy barely brought it out.

James shook his head, wrapping his arms around him. “We'll figure it out, I promise."

Jeremy nodded, still crying into his shirt. With every sob his heart was hurting a bit more; like someone had cut James as well. James was aware that it could only be a fraction of what Jeremy was feeling.

“Will you be there?" Jeremy muttered, pulling back far enough to be able to look into James' eyes.

James gently wiped the remaining tears away, and nodded. "I promise you. We'll make it ... together." He smiled down at him. After a moment of silence he added, "And you know that I never promise anything lightly."

Jeremy nodded.

In response, James kissed the top of his head. "We'll fix this. Or learn to live with it. But I'll be there. I promise that to the sky, or on my life, whatever you want!" he added helplessly.

Jeremy's face twisted briefly, and he managed a small laugh, which escaped along with a tear. A moment later James could feel his fingertips above his heart. James took Jeremy’s hand and pressed a soft kiss on it. The knuckles were still raw from the time he had hit a wall ... "You have to promise me something too," James mumbled, rubbing along the raw skin.

Jeremy nodded.

"Please, hold on, and be strong until we’ve figured this out," James told him carefully. James would be there, but he couldn't force Jeremy into anything. He needed him along the way! "Keep your mind set, keep your head up, and be strong. Please."

Jeremy nodded. "I promise."

"And no more hitting walls, or yourself ..." James added.

Jeremy nodded again.

James let out a deep breath and watched Jeremy do something similar. "We've got this, dear boy."

Luckily that made Jeremy laugh out loud. "Yes, we do." Then Jeremy gave his hand a squeeze.

"Ready?" James asked.

Then Jeremy called the doctor back in.


	10. Silence

“Everything will be fine, you know that,” James tried to calm Jeremy down. He carefully cupped his cheek and stroked it. He didn't want to see more tears. “Today we'll go to the beach, and have a great time ...”

Before James could go on, Jeremy was already shaking his head. He didn't want to.

Despite himself James let out a breath. He really tried to be patient given Jeremy's state of mind. But it was easier said than done. On some days it seemed to James that Jeremy didn't want to deal with any of this, not even trying to take any measures against it. “Jeremy, you know what the doctor said: It's best if we simply go on with our days like planned and not … you know, hide,” James tried to coax him out.

Again Jeremy shook his head. He inched closer to James, and hid his head in his chest. “I don't want to, please.” His voice was quiet.

What bothered James the most was that those lows came in waves. When they had come back from the doctor, Jeremy had been quiet, brooding, not quite sure what to do yet. Take a time out? Or keep going and eventually break down completely? It should have been obvious, but Jeremy had not decided yet. Then their holiday in France came and Jeremy seemed to be back to normal. Jeremy had so much fun, going out, talking to people, having a beer – many beers – and getting blind drunk with friends. Things were going so well that even James started to doubt the need for rehab. Now, only a week later, Jeremy was not willing to be even one inch away from James. It bothered James even more that he didn't know how to help Jeremy any more. They had been given medicine against his anxiety, but Jeremy was not too fond of the pills by principle. James was not sure if things were this desperate already.

“Does this have to do with your nightmare?” James asked quietly, remembering how panicked Jeremy had woken up in the middle of the night. Another of his vivid nightmares, and Jeremy had been convinced that something terrible had happened to Katya. He had run through the rented house, down to her room. James had been barely able to catch up with Jeremy, but had found him standing in front of Katya's room. Slowly Jeremy had calmed again, watching Katya sleep, safe and sound in her bedroom. After half an hour, Jeremy had been willing to go back into their bedroom again.

Jeremy only shrugged his shoulders. “I don't want to go out, please.”

James pressed a kiss on top of his head. “But you love the beach, the sun, and the sea ...” James began. “... sexy ladies in very small bikinis, topless ladies, topless men, boats ... We can flop down somewhere and read a book while sipping on good wine, and fancy drinks that come with a straw.” A small smile formed on James' lips at the thoughts.

However, this did not have the same effect on Jeremy. “And paparazzi who are just waiting for us,” he added quietly.

James sighed and said nothing. Jeremy was not entirely wrong, if he was honest. So James only held him, running his hand through his hair. Then they wandered down his back, drawing a circle and starting again at the top. He watched as Jeremy seemed to relax slowly, closing his eyes.

“You can go without me,” Jeremy mumbled after a while. “Enjoy the topless ladies and men.”

James shook his head. He didn't want to go without Jeremy. “No.” James kissed the top of his head. “How about we go tomorrow? Stay in for the day in, near the pool, and sipping on lovely drinks.”

It took a moment until James felt Jeremy nod. Maybe not their original plan, but better than Jeremy lying in bed all day …

“Besides, I would be totally lost without you.” James saw that the conversation seemed to help Jeremy. The grip he had had around James had loosened. The anxiety was getting better. Even if it was only baby steps. “I don't speak a single French word.”

Jeremy smiled weakly, shifted so that he could look into James' eyes. “They speak English, you know. You'd do fine.

“But they hate us Brits.” Jeremy nodded, and his smile widened. James silently blessed the sight. So he took it a step further. “I couldn't even get a lovely Frenchwoman into bed with my English, unlike you with French …”

Jeremy gave James a small nudge. “I only said that to irk you.” Then he waited a beat. “Besides, we didn't speak French in bed … It was English.”

James gave him a nudge, so hard that Jeremy rolled from his shoulder and onto his back.  _Finally_ a full, radiant, and beautiful smile broke free. James laughed, happy to see the sight. Then he pulled Jeremy back into his arms, pressed a kiss onto the top of his head, then the nose and finally resting on his lips.

Jeremy wrapped his arms around him again, holding onto him and burying his head in the nape of his neck. All while James' thumb caressed his shoulder, feeling the muscles relax. It worked.

_Good_ . James didn't fool himself again. They would spend half the day in bed until Jeremy felt ready to face the world, and then they would only lounge near the pool in a private area.

“You're fluent in French, hence you're … sadly, vital to this holiday,” James got them back on topic.

Jeremy shrugged his shoulders. “Emily can speak French too,” he mumbled into James' neck.

“Yes, but it's much nicer when you speak French,” James explained, and kissed the top of his head again. “For various reasons.”

A moment later, James felt a kiss on his neck. “Merci, mon cher.”

James nodded. “I understood that.”

“Je me sens à l'abri dans tes bras. Tu m'aides à respirer. Ne me lacherai plus jamais.”

“Erm ...” James waited a moment, pulling back. The way Jeremy looked at him indicated that he hadn't secretly called him a bellend. “Should I Google translate it?”

Jeremy shook his head, and quietly muttered. “Don't ruin the moment.”

James smiled at him, kissed his lips, and rested back so that Jeremy could cuddle into his chest.

“Te amo,” James stated.

“That was Spanish.”

“Shut up.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to A for letting me borrow her French. ♥


	11. Rubbish

The string of curse words which escaped Jeremy would have been worth an award on its own. “Fucking cock shit, you stupid wanker! What the fuck did you do?!” Jeremy kept at it. “It’s not like you cunt have fucking mirrors you gay cock-sucker. Stupid fa-----!” The word was overshadowed by the sound of Jeremy slamming the door of his VW shut. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

Jeremy circled his new Golf and inspected the damage. It wasn’t much if he was honest. It would buff out, but there were distinctive red stripes on it which simply did not belong to it. It clearly belonged to James’ new Ferrari.

“Shit,” Jeremy mumbled and rubbed the back of his neck. James had only gotten it a week ago. Now Jeremy couldn’t even park his car into James’ drive. “Fuck!”

Of course he’d pay for the damage, but what kind of a motoring journalist was he that he couldn’t even _park_ ?!

Jeremy sighed and locked his car. He couldn’t remember the last time he had accidentally crashed into a car. He was quite sure that he had never crashed into a Ferrari before … Neither had he ever crashed into one of James’ cars.

Jeremy took a deep breath.  _Well, fucking great._ They’d just have to bring it to a mechanic, and all would be fixed. James wouldn’t hate him, Jeremy wondered for a moment.  _No, don’t be stupid._

“Hey, there,” Jeremy could hear James’ voice from the living room as he let the door fall shut.

“Hello,” Jeremy mumbled back.

A moment later he stepped into the living room, seeing that James sitting on the sofa, reading a book. Jeremy stuffed the keys into his pockets and left his hands there too. He could feel his fingers being fidgety …

“Did everything go as planned?” James asked, and put the book aside.

Jeremy looked up, and bit his lip. Better he’d get it over with.

James didn’t seem to notice and went on. “Fin okay?”

Jeremy felt a painful tug at his heart. He nodded. Jeremy had dropped him off at the university already. They had a family dinner to celebrate, but for Jeremy it had felt more like a goodbye. Not that he wasn't glad that he managed to get into university this time around … His little kids grew up too fast. Fin was at university now, and soon Katya would leave for her semester in New York.

“Yeah, he's fine. Everything went well,” Jeremy mumbled. He didn’t want to talk about Finlo. He shouldn’t be such a clingy father …

“What’s wrong?” James’ voice broke through his thoughts.

Jeremy looked up – finally finished inspecting his feet – and saw James’ face. There was a small frown on it, so Jeremy knew that James was worried. He cleared his throat. “Erm … I … I didn’t mean to, I swear …” Jeremy began, and watched as the frown on James’ face began to deepen. “… I sort of backed into your car?”

James opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it. “How do you  _sort of_ back into a car?”

Jeremy rubbed the back of his neck. “I did. But it’s not much damage. And …”

“Which car?” James cut him off. Before Jeremy had a chance to answer he could guess the answer himself. The BMW was safely parked, his Ferrari wasn’t. “The Ferrari? Shit, Clarkson, that is new!”

Jeremy nodded, and bit his lip. He knew that. James didn’t need to tell him. “ … I am sorry. I’ll pay for it.”

“You and your stupid Golf, Clarkson, learn to drive!” James shot back and walked past Jeremy.

Jeremy kept on chewing on his lip. He only stopped when James tugged at his elbow, signalling him to follow.

Back outside, James inspected the damage, carefully running his hand over the rough surface. “Your car okay?” James asked.

Jeremy nodded. He only needed to polish it out. “Sorry,” Jeremy muttered, rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ll bring it to the mechanic. I promise.”

“Don’t bother,” James explained as he circled Jeremy and gave his arm a squeeze. “You’ll most likely crash it into something near the mechanic.”

Jeremy shook his head. He thought that James was joking, or was he? No, James was kidding … But Jeremy couldn’t find it in himself to smile.

“Hey, love.” James gave Jeremy a small nudge. “It’s just a small dent. Okay?”

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah, sorry.”

“Don’t be. Shit like that happens,” James explained.

“I didn’t mean to.”

James huffed. “I hope so.”

Jeremy frowned and turned towards James this time. He wasn't sure what James had meant with that.

“I'd rather have a clumsy idiot, than someone who crashed into my car on purpose,” James explained and gave him a nudge.

“I didn't crash into it!” Jeremy protested, a small smile spreading across his lips. “I simply tried to park my car in it.”

James laughed and winked at him. “Don't worry about it.” But James was glad that Jeremy was trying to joke about the small misfortune. “Come back inside?”

Jeremy nodded. While they made their way back into the living room Jeremy made an offer. “I can cook dinner. Your favourite.”

James looked suspiciously at him, then he pushed his luck. “I don't think you can cook Beef Stroganoff.” He was in luck.

Jeremy rolled his eyes and shook his head. “All right, what about pasta then?” Jeremy asked. “The only thing I can cook without anything exploding.”

“Thank god for that,” James muttered before he flopped down onto the sofa. Then he patted the place next to him, inviting Jeremy.

Jeremy sighed, and sat down next to him. A moment later James was already back in his book, while Jeremy was nuzzled into his shoulder, taking deep and comforting breaths.

_At least he wasn't alone._ Jeremy thought for a moment. He missed his son already, but it could have been worse. He was glad that James wasn't away filming or utterly pissed at him for his accident.

Jeremy took a deep breath and placed a soft kiss onto James' shoulder. In response James wrapped an arm around Jeremy and gave him a squeeze.  
  


 

* * *

  
Jeremy had watched the pot for the last ten minutes. He wanted this to be perfect. James deserved this much. They would have a nice dinner, and Jeremy would stop feeling so useless for parking his car in James' Ferrari. At least the mechanic hadn't had so much work on his hands and it could be fixed next week. James wasn't even teasing him relentlessly. At least that's what Jeremy had noticed, but Jeremy didn't want to remind himself about his lack of parking skills. Maybe James was going easy on him because of Finlo …

Jeremy sighed, feeling a small tug in his chest. For a quiet moment he cursed himself because he hadn't been able to maintain his marriage. Not for Francie's sake, rather that he could have seen his kids more often than every second weekend …

The beeping from his phone brought him back to reality. Jeremy turned it off, and turned the oven down. Now the noodles should be perfect, and just the way James liked them. Jeremy laid out a table cloth and smiled. He was proud of his achievement. He might be rubbish at parking, but he had a good eye when it came to decoration.

Jeremy had bought new candles, a pair of flowers – placing one next to each of their plates – and a small key chain for James - an additional gift to ask for his forgiveness. “Good,” he muttered to himself.

Then he went back into the kitchen, and put the noodles into a big dish. On top he poured the sauce. Jeremy smiled as he took the dish and carefully carried it over to the set table. James would love it. Jeremy was sure of that. They would eat, and then snuggle in front of the television. There they would share even more wine and tender kisses.

“Arg!” Jeremy yelped as he felt his legs colliding with something fluffy but hard. Jeremy couldn't balance and before he knew it the dish fell to the floor with a loud bang. Jeremy followed and ended up on his knees.

He looked around and spotted Bounce, who stood in the middle of the room and looked at Jeremy with wide eyes. “You stupid thing!” Jeremy shouted and looked at his hands which were covered in red sauce. Jeremy felt his vision blur as he noticed that almost all of the pasta and sauce was splattered across the kitchen.

Jeremy sniffed, and wiped away tears that hadn't fallen yet. “Fuck,” Jeremy mumbled, and wiped his hands on his own trousers. That didn't matter.  _He really couldn't do anything right!_ Jeremy scolded himself. He kicked the dish away from him and began to cry.  _Stupid. Just fucking stupid!_

He was a crap father, and awful boyfriend; given that he had crashed into James' car and now made his kitchen look like a battlefield …  _For god's sake!_ He couldn't even carry a stupid pasta dish to a table.

“Jezza?” A moment later, Jeremy felt a hand touch his shoulder.

Jeremy shook his head. “This is not my week.” Jeremy sobbed again. “I'll clean it, James. I promise.” Before Jeremy could continue he felt James' arms around him, giving him a tight squeeze. “I'm useless.”

James shook his head, and placed a kiss on Jeremy's cheek. “Tastes good,” he mumbled. Jeremy let out a laugh, which was followed by a sob. “Come on, you're not. You know that you're currently a bit ...” James was fumbling for words.

“Deranged? A nutjob? Mentally unbalanced?” Jeremy finished for him, feeling more tears run down his cheeks.

James sighed. “No.” Technically yes, otherwise he wouldn't have to go to rehab in a week. But James wouldn't have put it like this. “You'll be fine again. You're stressed, and it was a crap week.”

Jeremy nodded, and hugged James a bit tighter. “Yeah. It really was.” Then a thought began to dawn on him. “Oh shit, your shirt.”

James bit his lip. He had known that Jeremy's hands were covered in red sauce. “Don't worry about it.” Right after the words had left his mouth, he knew that he had said the stupidest thing possible.

“Great, another thing I fucked up.” Jeremy's voice had been quiet, and he had mumbled it into James' shoulder, but James had heard him all right. He had enough. So he gently swatted the back of Jeremy's head. “Ouch?!”

James pulled back. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” James declared. For the first time he could see how puffy Jeremy's eyes were, but Jeremy was listening. “You dropped a dish, and given how Bounce is happily eating the sauce I assume you tripped over him.”

Jeremy nodded quietly.

“Great. Happens. Once I set a curtain on fire because of Fusker.” Jeremy laughed weakly and shook his head. “We'll – and that includes Bounce – clean the mess up. Then we'll order some curry.”

“No curry when we share a bed,” Jeremy mumbled and small grin formed on his face. They always had a mock fight when it came to curry around bedtime. James was glad to see the familiarity return.

James gave his hand a squeeze. “Come on.” Then he tugged at his arm and Jeremy managed to get back on his feet. He sniffed once, so James handed him a tissue. “Don't mention it.”

 


	12. Fixed

Jeremy sighed once more and rolled off James' shoulder. This wasn't working … Jeremy took a deep breath and mentally counted to ten. He couldn't sleep, and no matter which trick he tried, it was getting him nowhere.

Jeremy had tried warm milk, mint leafs, counting sheep, counting cars, thinking about the most boring subject he could imagine, snuggling into James' comforting and warm chest. Still here he was; wide awake, staring at the ceiling.

He also didn’t want to think about why he couldn't sleep. He was scared … The idea scared him so much … What if rehab wouldn't help? What if Jeremy would still be a nutcase afterwards? He wanted to be normal again. He wanted to be fixed.

Jeremy sniffed as he felt the first tears form in the corner of his eyes.  _Great, really great._ That was the last thing he needed, becoming over-emotional again. As quickly as he could he wiped the tears away. He really didn't want to cry, not right now.

“Mhm.” Jeremy heard James mumble in his sleep. A moment later he could feel him shift and his arm wrap around Jeremy's middle.

Jeremy smiled despite himself. He'd miss that too. He couldn't help it and sniffed again.

“What's wrong?” James mumbled, clearly half-asleep, but he pressed a soft kiss on the nape of Jeremy's neck.

Jeremy shook his head. “Nothing, go back to sleep,” he mumbled. But James didn't let go; he gave Jeremy another squeeze and shuffled closer.

Jeremy let out a sigh and tried to relax. James' touch was always comforting, he was a lovely human being. “... James,” he mumbled as a small smile spread across his lips.

“Listen, I know you're scared. But it'll be fine,” James mumbled and kissed his cheek this time.

Jeremy turned around, looking into James’ eyes. Jeremy placed his hand above James' heart, feeling the faint beat against his palm.

“How do you know that?” Jeremy asked, and smiled weakly.

“Was I ever wrong?” James rubbed his eyes, trying to come around.

Jeremy snorted and, for the sake of the argument, said, “Yeah, always.”

James shook his head, and gave Jeremy a nudge. Then he wrapped his arms around him pulling him to his chest.

Jeremy couldn’t help it he felt more tears form in the corner of his eyes. “I'm going to miss this too.” Jeremy pressed a soft kiss onto James' chest before resting against it. “You do realize that it's been ages since we've been completely separated for a month.”

Before they could always talk, or send crappy selfies to each other. But in rehab, it was a complete black-out. No communication whatsoever, not even letters. “I've become terribly used to sleeping next to you,” Jeremy mumbled before he could stop himself. Especially since they weren't shooting bits and pieces for  _Top Gear_ any longer. For at least half a year they hadn't spent a single night apart.

“I know, me too.” James comforted him by giving him a squeeze. “But I can come by.”

“Once,” Jeremy added before he could stop himself. One visitor per week, and James was only free for a week. Jeremy didn't want him to reschedule his shoot for _Cars of the People_.

James sighed. “I know, but Emily and Katya are going to come by and then Hammond or Andy,” James explained what Jeremy already knew. However, James voice was calmer than Jeremy's. “Then I'll pick you up, take you home, and we'll spend a weekend in our pub.”

Jeremy smiled at the thought and nuzzled even closer. “What if it won't be all right?” Jeremy asked before he could stop himself.

“It is going to be,” James assured him, and ran a hand through Jeremy's curls.

“Let's assume it won't be.”

“Jeremy …”

“No, humour me,” Jeremy muttered and pulled back. “What if … what if I stay like that?”

James shook his head. “You won't.”

Jeremy didn't respond, he kept on staring at James. He wanted an answer. He needed to know.

James capitulated and nodded. “Fine, I won't leave you. I haven't since we knew,” James began to explain. “You'll get different medication and we'll spend more quiet time in the pub. It'll be fine.”

Jeremy took in the words. He didn't like it. He wanted to be fixed. He didn't want to be on medication all the time. So he began to sniff and shook his head.

“Listen Jeremy,” James began as he pulled him into his arms again. “You'll be fixed. You only took a handful of the pills your doctor gave to you. You need a time-out. Trust me.”

James was continuously drawing comforting circles on Jeremy's back. He waited until the small tremors had stopped, and Jeremy’s breathing was getting deeper again. James kissed the top of his head and tilted his face up.

Jeremy smiled weakly, and nodded. “See, that's why I need you.”

James shook his head. “You shouldn't.” Jeremy frowned, clearly not understanding what James was on about. “I don't want you … I want you to be able to deal with things on your own. I am here when you need a hand, you know that.” Jeremy nodded. “But you should know in your heart that you could do it on your own. I'm just the pace-maker.”

Jeremy seemed to take the words to heart. Then he nodded. “Yeah.”

James smiled and kissed Jeremy on the lips this time. After a brief moment, Jeremy kissed back. A small smile was spreading across his lips. “There we go,” James cheered quietly.

In response Jeremy began to giggle, but more tears rolled down his cheek. James stretched over Jeremy and turned on the lamp on the night stand. “I wanted to give you this tomorrow but I think you can use it now,” James explained and looked down at Jeremy. “Let's get rid of that mess first.”

Jeremy was lost for a moment, but when James wiped the trail of tears away, he softened. He pulled out a small black box, sat back on his feet and handed it to Jeremy. “There we go.”

James sat back on his own feet and handed it to Jeremy. “Here.”

Jeremy also sat up and took the box in his hands. He inspected it carefully, running his fingers over the golden lettering engraved on it. Then he carefully opened the box, finding a silver wristband in it. It appeared to be stainless steel, woven together slightly wider than a conventional wristband, a small tag tangling from it. Jeremy took it out and smiled. “It's beautiful,” he muttered before he could help himself. It was simple, classic, and yet something that would suit Jeremy.

“Look at the tag,” James told him.

Jeremy looked up for a moment, frowning, but James smiled softly at him, and so did Jeremy. There was a small date engraved on the inside of the small tag. Jeremy frowned for a moment;  _22_ _nd_ _September, 2000._ He wondered for a moment whether that date held any special meaning. September 2000? 2000 was the year Katya was born. It was the year he had handed in his concept of the new  _Top Gear._ And it was the year … “Oh my god.”

“Andy and Hammond would kill for that date,” James commented, knowing that it had just dawned on Jeremy.

“I was still married, James!” Jeremy protested, and laughed. “Why this date then?”

James shuffled closer and took a deep breath. “Well, because I thought I'd never be fixed either. I thought that no other person could ever love me, because I was … well, I am odd.”

Jeremy nodded. “A bit,” he mouthed and smiled at him.

“It didn't help that I was even more scared of intimacy in those days. But then you simply kissed me … and it showed me that I wasn't a lost cause.” Jeremy could see that James was wringing his fingers. “I know that it didn't mean anything, and even less to you. But it showed me that I was fixed, or at least making progress.”

Jeremy smiled softly at him, then he looked down at the bracelet and shook his head. “You're right,” he confirmed. “It hadn't meant anything to me. I actually forgot about it until three days later. But … but it does mean something now. Even if it is not  _that.”_

James gently touched Jeremy's knee, catching his attention again. “Thank you,” he mouthed.

Then Jeremy shook his head. “No, thank you.” He put the bracelet around his left wrist and held it down with the middle finger. Then he turned his arms over, so he could close it. “It's a lovely gift. Thank you.”

James swatted Jeremy's hand away from the fastening and closed the bracelet for him. Afterwards he gave Jeremy's hand a squeeze. Jeremy gently tugged at James’ hand bringing him closer. Then they kissed softly. “Thank you,” Jeremy mumbled again. “Also for … for everything actually.”

James took in the words in and waited for a moment until he asked, “Still scared?”

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah, but … but it'll be fine.” Jeremy let out a deep breath.

“Wanna cuddle a bit?” James offered and kissed Jeremy's cheek.

“Always.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some dramatic and angsty prompts are behind you, and I'd like to explain: JC did actually go to rehab because of stress etc. and I felt it was important to work it into this story. So to make the story line work I had to break him first. But - in James' words - "it will be fine" now :)


	13. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look, cuddle fluff :)

James had been awake for almost half an hour, and yet, he had not dared to move an inch. The feeling of Jeremy sleeping by his side had overshadowed every other need. Yes, a part of him already craved his morning tea, but the way that Jeremy clutched James with one arm while he took deep and regular breaths was more important.

Despite Jeremy joking about it, James was aware that rehab had not always been easy. The first week Jeremy had been unsure of the purpose of the whole exercise, how it could help him in any way if he were to twaddle on about whatever was going through his head _._ The group therapy – or in Jeremy’s words: torture – was awkward. The yoga was useless and painful. Jeremy could not see how stretching his leg to the right, his upper body to the left and dislocating his back would help him. He had been desperate, convinced that none of this worked. Eventually, this had led to Jeremy simply not moving out of bed one day. The roommate had warned him that it would get Jeremy into trouble, but Jeremy had not cared. He had rolled onto his shoulder and slept with his back turned toward the world.

The doctors had noticed that Jeremy had not appeared for breakfast or for his group therapy. As soon as they found out what Jeremy had done, a bucket of cold water had ended up on him. Even that hadn’t been able to prompt Jeremy out of bed. The next day he had slept in again. Only then did the doctors realise that Jeremy had not been avoiding his tasks directly. He had been avoiding the whole world instead; needing time in which nobody and nothing would bother. Quiet moments in which Jeremy could just sleep and recharge. So they had left him in peace and quiet; the roommate regularly placing tea, water and a sandwich on his bedside table.

After three days the doctors had seen Jeremy in the mess hall. He had stuffed as much food in him as if he had crossed the desert. Afterwards he had followed his schedule to the letter. He had still complained but no longer stated that it would be useless. Later he had started to enjoy the company of others while smoking, sharing jokes with them and sitting in the sun talking about non-sense. By the end of week three Jeremy had felt so well that he had tried to escape. While the attempt caused much amusement at home, it had been the best sign to indicate that Jeremy was ready to face the world again.

It should have come as no surprise that James had picked up Jeremy yesterday, the man had almost literally jumped into his arms. They only had a weekend and half of Monday together. At that moment it had seem like Jeremy intended to spend it all in James’ arms. Not that James minded. Now that James looked at Jeremy’s sleeping form he decided that his plans were similar.

Over the last month James had been busy shooting  _Cars Of The People_ which had distracted him from the lack of Jeremy’s presence: lack of calls and silly text messages. He had told himself that even if James would not be shooting, Jeremy wouldn’t share a bed with him anyway. Still, he couldn’t help himself. He remembered a particular moment in Japan when he had checked his phone for the time and felt saddened by a lack of a “good night” text from Jeremy.

James planned on enjoying the weekend they had together before he had to rush off to America. After the weekend Richard would “look after” Jeremy while going through the paper work for the show and their production company – something that confused and even scared James. For now it was just them, snuggling together in their house/pub on a mattress still functioned as their bed. James didn’t mind at all. Both knew that it would take a while until the house would be fully furnished to their wishes; even longer now that they had to make a new show. So far they had managed to add their own towels, a television, and radio. James had been able to find an internet provider last week. Jeremy had even allowed him to put up the bookshelves on his own. It was slow progress, but they didn’t complain. Even though the house was only furnished barrenly it did not feel alien to them.

Jeremy let out a sleepy sound and then stretched his toes. James drew circles on his naked shoulder as he watched Jeremy’s eyes open for a moment and close the next. He was edging closer to James.

“You know that I am awake don’t you?” James asked.

Jeremy jumped back. “FUCK!” He hadn’t.

A moment later he could feel Jeremy swat his shoulder. James rolled his eyes, and couldn’t help the smile that formed on his lips.

Then James rolled out of bed. “I’ll get us tea.”

Jeremy whined quietly, and when Jeremy turned back around he could see him pull his best puppy face. “And some bread, and coffee.”

At that Jeremy lightened up and lay back down, sighing contently. “Wanker,” Jeremy muttered back as James left the room.

“I heard that.”

“Good!”

 

* * *

 

 

Jeremy was leaning against the bed, tracing James’ shoulder blade with his fingertips. James sat leant forward, enjoying his cup of tea as well. The summer heat meant that both men were topless. So it was an easy task for Jeremy to let them drift over his skin. Sometimes he let his nails graze his skin. A very nice feeling …

He sighed happily, now Jeremy was tracing the scar along his shoulder. Downwards, and then upwards. A moment later, James noticed Jeremy shift. Then he felt a butterfly kiss above the scar. A wide smile spread across James’ lips. He closed his eyes, feeling Jeremy kiss downwards, cherishing every little part of his skin. The freckles, the small wrinkles, and – to James’ mind – the hideous scar. However, James knew that in Jeremy’s mind it wasn’t that. It was something different; every small kiss confirmed this belief.

Then Jeremy’s hands travelled around James’ middle, resting on the sides. His thumb moved up and down, slowly caressing James as his mouth travelled along the collar bone.

_Oh._ James had missed this. Jeremy cherishing James as if he was the most important thing; occupying all of Jeremy’s attention. Only to make James feel happy, comfortable, and loved. James let his head roll to the side until it rested against Jeremy’s.

This stopped the kissing, but Jeremy did not move away. Instead he inched closer, rested his head against James’ as well, sighing happily.

“Sleeping without you is utter shit,” Jeremy mumbled.

James nodded. Despite the appalling warmth last night, Jeremy had not moved an inch away from James. This was less of a problem for James, who slept without his shirt. Meanwhile, Jeremy had disregarded the concept of a blanket as he wrapped himself around James.

“Not comfy at all,” Jeremy complained as he pressed a kiss on the soft spot of his neck. “Though it’s less deafening.”

James rolled his eyes, and reached behind him to run his hand through Jeremy’s curls. “You could admit that you missed me.”

Suddenly James let out a high pitched yelp, and started to laugh right after. Jeremy had dug his fingertips into James’ sides, right into his especially ticklish places.

“Stop!” James squeaked and tried to wind out. This was to no avail. Instead James doubled over, lying face down on the bed.

Only then did Jeremy stop the relentless attack. He nudged James onto his back and towered over him. The smile on Jeremy’s face was worth a million suns. James reached up, running his fingertips along his hairline. James could swear that the hard lines on Jeremy’s face had softened over the month. Lines that James had put down to age were gone.

“What?” Jeremy asked, noticing the way James looked at him.

James shook his head. His hand fell onto Jeremy’s shoulder and wander towards his sides. “In theory, I can admit that I missed you.”

Jeremy raised his eyebrows, about to reply something witty. James cut him off by digging his fingers into Jeremy’s ticklish spot. “NO!” Jeremy yelped, but he couldn’t help the giggle fit. “I could crush you.”

“Please,” James mumbled, and rolled his eyes.

Frighteningly enough James had not managed to totally immobilise Jeremy. A moment later James began to giggle and wheeze as well.

 


	14. Bite

“Clarkson, where are you?” James asked, pacing up and down. After James' return from his _Cars of the People_ shoot, they had planned for this date. Especially, then Jeremy wouldn't be late! Even when he was, he would never forget to text him.

“Vet,” Jeremy whispered. A moment later James heard a door fall shut, and the silent background noise was replaced by traffic. Jeremy had walked out onto the street. “I am sorry. I kinda forgot about you ...”

“Flattering.”

“No, yes, sorry.”

Then to James' surprise he could hear Jeremy sniff. “What happened?” James asked as he paid for the drink and left the restaurant.

“Brunel got bitten by a fucking dog,” Jeremy cursed. Brunel was the little white puppy Jeremy had adopted in June. After two months Jeremy had finally found a name. “She's so tiny!” Jeremy went on. “And that dog was huge; taller than me. She was bleeding badly, and limping. I had to take her to the vet.”

James nodded, feeling rush of sympathy. He knew that Jeremy had fallen head over heels in love with the small pupper. James had never heard Jeremy squeak because of cuteness expect the time he had seen the wee thing. Along with the squeak his promise to not get another dog had flown right out of the window.

“How bad is the injury?” James asked.

“It's the hinder leg, and part of the tummy,” Jeremy began. “They're operating now, but I should be able to take her back home afterwards.”

“Good.”

“I am sorry, I forgot to call you, or text you ...” Jeremy let out a sigh. “And I can't drive out to the house because I don't want to stress her too much.”

“I understand.” James truly did. “Do you want me to come by your flat?”

“I'd appreciate it.”

James smiled, hoping that the puppy would recover. Jeremy could be very sensitive when it came to his pets. “I’m going to grab us something to eat, and will write my column in the meantime.”

“Do that,” Jeremy agreed. “Love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

James let himself into the flat, trying to balance the boxes of takeaway. When he finally managed to open the door he gave it a nudge and looked sharply at Jeremy who had watched the whole ordeal from the sofa.

“Thanks for the help,” James stated dryly.

Jeremy shrugged his shoulders, and smiled at him. “You could have been a thief.”

“So you sit there on the sofa?” James mocked him. After kicking the door shut he walked over to Jeremy. He saw Brunel in Jeremy's arms. She was mostly leaning against his chest, the little paws stretched out, and the nose pressing into the fabric of his shirt. “Oh.”

“My watchdog was asleep and I didn't want to wake her.” Jeremy smiled weakly at James.

James bent down and brushed his lips. Jeremy returned the kiss.

“How is the patient?” James asked quietly. He had no intention of waking up the recovering puppy.

“Okay, I think. I was told everything went well,” Jeremy explained. James looked at Brunel, seeing the small stitching along her left hinder leg and winced inwardly. “She should be herself by the end of the week.”

“Good.” James gave Jeremy's shoulder a squeeze. Jeremy had put one from the bathroom over his stomach, and under Brunel. James pointed at it. “What's with the towel?”

“Oh … erm, she's a bit … incontinent at the moment.”

James pulled a face, and nodded slowly. “I see.” He wondered if it wouldn't be smarter to fashion a puppy diaper, but only looking at the stitching caused him to re-consider.

“Duck?” James asked, out of the blue.

“It's a dog.” Jeremy looked at James and smiled. James rolled his eyes. Then Jeremy replied with, “Yes, please.”

James gave Jeremy's shoulder a squeeze and left for the kitchen. While he was dishing out the food he watched Jeremy in the living room. The television was turned down, and Jeremy petted Brunel when she stirred slightly. Then he would look at her for a long time, most likely making sure that she was still asleep. It didn't look like Jeremy had any intention to let the small thing go. Ever.

James assumed that Jeremy would keep her close day and night, not wanting any harm to come to her. James couldn't hold it against him, if he was honest. When he had lost Fusker it had hurt more than he would have liked, or even had been willing to admit. He still remembered that Jeremy had sat down next to him and had wrapped an arm around him while James had desperately tried not to cry.

 

* * *

 

When they went to bed it hadn't surprised James that Brunel stayed with them. She slept on a towel for safety reasons, and on Jeremy's side of the bed. She couldn't even walk yet. So she had not moved during the night. When James woke up before he could see her hopeful little eyes watching him.

James carefully picked her up, changed the towel, and fed her. He was delighted to notice that Brunel ate while standing. After a while this became too strenuous and she lay on her tummy instead. James had sat down next to her and sipped on his tea while accompanying her.

“Ah, there she is,” Jeremy mumbled, sleep still covering his eyes as he walked into the kitchen, wearing his boxers and slippers. “And there he is.”

Jeremy yawned, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down next to James on the floor. He buried his head in the nape of James' neck. Then he kissed him, before using James' shoulder as a pillow while watching Brunel eat.

  
  


* * *

  
James discovered that Brunel could hop short distances on three legs. On the sofa, she would sometimes change James' lap for a chance to sit on Jeremy. However, long distances were harder – so Jeremy still carried her from the living room into the kitchen or the bedroom.

On day three Brunel was back to herself so much so that she bellowed them out of their sleep. Tiny puppy bellows which were far from frightening, but enough to wake them up. “What?” Jeremy asked.

Another bellow.

“Food?”

This time the bellow sounded cheerful.

“Okay.”

Jeremy turned to James, gave him a kiss. James was so sleepy that it almost surprised him. A moment later Jeremy was gone.  
  


* * *

 

According to James, Brunel was on her way back to full recovery. She managed the long distance from the living room to the kitchen, even if one of them still had to help her to get on and off the sofa. The control over her bladder had mostly returned but it was getting better by each passing day. And yet Jeremy was treating her with more care than usual. Or, how James bluntly referred to it, “You're spoiling her.”

“I am not,” Jeremy defended himself as he petted Brunel while she slept in in his arms. “She was injured. She needs care.”

“Yes, but she can manage fine from room to room now. You carry her around _all_ the time, and let her sleep in our bed.”

“She was in pain,” Jeremy mumbled under his breath. “I just ...”

“I know.” James placed a hand on his shoulder. “But if you keep … behaving like this she'll get used to it. That is worse in the long term.”

Jeremy pulled a face. But James managed to cut the next comment off by returning it with a stern look. So Jeremy tried to give James his best puppy face. James let out a sigh. He should have never allowed Jeremy to spoil Brunel in the first place.

“Jezza ...”

“I know, I know,” Jeremy mumbled and waved James off.

James nodded, happy that Jeremy was seeing reason. “Good.” Then he turned back to the television and his glass of beer. After a moment he noticed from the corner of his eyes that Jeremy was inching towards him until he nudged James' side. Then Jeremy's head landed on his shoulder. As a response, James wrapped his arm around Jeremy's shoulders.

 

* * *

 

James was slipping under the sheets of their bed while Jeremy came from the bathroom. James saw that Jeremy was still carrying Brunel. He frowned for a moment but did not comment. After all it had been a long day, and he could understand if the poor thing was exhausted.

Then Jeremy sat down on the edge of the bed, but didn't place the puppy into the dog-beg. Instead he gently placed it down next to him. Brunel sniffed and wandered about until she found a place near the edge of Jeremy's pillow to sleep on.

“Jez?” James began carefully.

“Yes?” Jeremy shuffled under the sheets. “Come here.” He wasn't talking to James. Instead he gently took the puppy in his hands and placed it on his chest.

“Erm … I thought we talked about this,” James pointed at Brunel. He had to admit that she looked adorable while she was burying her nose in Jeremy's shirt.

“Yes, we did,” Jeremy agreed, petting her. “And I chose to ignore you.”

James rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

“No, listen, I regularly took allergy pills so you could keep your cat. Even after Fusker died I took that on me so you could have another ...” James bit his lip. He knew that while the allergy had gone back it was still present. “... so you can live with sharing the bed with my partly incontinent dog for another night.”

James kept quiet.

“Please.”

“Okay,” James agreed and reached across to pet Brunel.

“Thank you.” Then Jeremy placed a kiss on top of James. “Now you come here too.”

James smiled as Jeremy wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer. He rested his head on Jeremy's chest, watching Brunel's eyes close in pleasure. He could understand the dog.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, James woke up in the opposite position: Jeremy and Brunel lying on his chest, Jeremy drooling slightly, but breathing deeply and comfortably, while Brunel was sitting pretty much right in the middle of his chest. James noticed that Jeremy seemed to be holding Brunel's paw. The puppy enjoyed the contact lying on her side, and watching her surroundings. James stayed quiet, not moving until Jeremy woke up. Brunel wasn’t the only one who enjoyed this.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After that night, the bed share mostly stopped. For the first few nights Brunel kept sleeping in their bed. Lately, she seemed a bit more comfortable in the dog-bed James had re-located to the bedroom. Jeremy very rarely carried her around, and James could tell that almost every time he did, Brunel was hurting or exhausted. So when James came to the flat, hearing the shower in the bathroom, and walked in he had not expected to see Jeremy in the tub bathing with Brunel.

“Erm, Clarkson?” James wasn't quite sure if his eyes were working. Jeremy was sitting in the tub, naked. The shower was running. But then there was also Brunel in the very same tub. She enjoyed the water tickling down on her fur and leaning against Jeremy's leg for support. It wasn’t only Brunel in the tub, and Jeremy sitting next to it scrubbing her clean. No, it was both of them inside the tub! “Have I missed something?”

Jeremy looked up, and shook his head. "No.”

James frowned and opened his mouth to reply. He had not been prepared for … this. „I …“ He stopped, shifting his weight, and watched as Jeremy rubbed dog shampoo into Brunel's fur.

“You do know that's illegal?” James finally managed.

Jeremy gave him a look, and rolled his eyes. “I am not putting anything in her.” Then he washed out the fur. Brunel lay down on her tummy, fascinated by the water rushing past her paws. „Okay. The truth?”

James nodded.

“She … shat on us.”

“Oh ...” James was quiet. Suddenly he understood the situation.

“I took her for her walk, to her usual park. I thought the familiar surrounding would help her. It did. But then stupid dog appeared. She's not much of a runner right now,” Jeremy explained as he tickled her behind the ear. Maybe for the better, James thought. If Brunel would have successfully run away, Jeremy would have been heart-broken. “So I picked her up, and we walked away. She was very, very scared and apparently pooing out of fear is not only a human thing.”

James nodded, and looked at Brunel for a moment. He felt a small pang of guilt. Then he placed a hand on Jeremy's shoulder and gave him a squeeze.

“Now go away. I only want you to see my penis in a more majestic way,” Jeremy joked.

James snorted. Instead of replying with a joke, he muttered, “You’re heart is too big for your own good,” and walked out of the bathroom.

“That's the nicest comment I ever got after mentioning my penis,” Jeremy replied.

“Don't get used to it.”

 


	15. Letter

Jeremy closed his eyes, still trying to catch his breath. He could feel James' weight pressing down, feel him breathe just as heavily as Jeremy, the small beads of sweat tickling from his forehead onto the hyper-aware skin of Jeremy's shoulders.

“I can ...” James began, and Jeremy could feel him shifting.

“Don't you dare,” Jeremy managed to bring out, mumbling into the pillow he had tried to use as support. “No.”

He wanted to feel James close. He had missed this too much. He had had a death grip on James during the whole night. He didn't want to let him go, even if his life had depended on it. Now they lay like this, James on top of Jeremy, who had collapsed onto his belly, James grunting almost painfully as he slipped out of Jeremy. Jeremy reached across and handed him two tissues.

Jeremy could feel him shift, cleaning himself. Then he felt a warm hand above his butt cheeks, the thumb gently stroked him while the other hand cleaned him carefully. The loving caress made Jeremy smile.

“Thanks,” Jeremy muttered as he turned on his side. Meanwhile James threw the tissues in the bin.

Then he rested next to Jeremy, wrapping his arms around him, and hooked theirs legs back together. Jeremy shuffled closer, burying his head in James' chest.

“I know we have a sort of unwritten rule about … being soppy after sex,” Jeremy began quietly, as he nuzzled his nose into James' chest. He was sweaty, comfortable, warm, and was protected.

“Yeah. But you'll break it in a moment?” James offered and kissed the top of his head.

“Afraid so,” Jeremy mumbled and kissed his chest in return. Then he pulled back, wanting to be able to look into James' eyes. He wrapped his arm around James' neck, able to hide his fingers in the his hair. “To be honest, I thought when we'd have sex again it would be … well, five seconds.”

James broke out into laughter and Jeremy joined him. For a moment he buried his head in James' chest again, kissing it and feeling the slight chest hair tickle against his nose. He liked it. He had missed it. “It's been a while, even before ...” Jeremy let the words hang in the room.

James drew him a little closer, rubbing along his back. “That's okay.”

“It's not like sex is … I mean it's nice,” Jeremy mumbled. “Okay, let me start from the beginning.”

James frowned at him, but nodded. Jeremy took the moment to collect his thoughts.

“I had this room mate. Not sure what to think of him … He said that I only missed you because of the sex,” Jeremy began carefully, biting his lips. “And I knew that it wasn't true. We haven't had sex since … well, since I've come back from the doctor. I didn't really miss it … not directly. I missed, parts of it. But there was so many other things – more important things – that I missed about being with you like that.”

James frowned for a moment. He seemed to let the words sink in. Then he motioned for Jeremy to go on.

“If it were just sex, I could have gotten meaningless hook-ups somewhere else. That is not appealing in any way. But … erm, I am not sure if that makes any sense … I … We always said sex is a fun activity for us, not defining, because we're old, and work a lot and so on. And we can do without, as the two months, and various dry times before have shown.” Jeremy took a moment to collect his thoughts, not wanting to get lost. “I don't really – emotionally at least – respond to a great orgasm. I enjoy them. But I respond to the … to all the little things – no innuendo -” James smiled at him and shook his head. “That you … the way you look at me, a look that I still can't fully identify, but with so much … love and care … and that you still shush me when I flinch when you touch the top of my penis afterwards. Even though you _know_ that it's a reflex. When I can't come at the moment you say all the things you do … and that I never felt in any way pressured and can … truly enjoy it because I want it.”

Jeremy bit his lip, feeling like he had said too much. He had never told James any of those things. Between the time he had entered rehab and now, he had time to think about this. A few days before returning home, he had worried that James had expected them to have sex at once. But he hadn't even hinted at it. After a month Jeremy had been ready to approach the topic with care – at least in his mind. In reality it had been very sloppy kissing in the morning until he had muttered “fuck me” against James' lips.

If he was honest, he wasn't sure why all those things were spilling out now. It was one thing to be aware of those things, and admit them to himself. But to James? Maybe it was because …

“You're vulnerable,” James muttered. Jeremy looked up, seeing an unbelievable softness in James' eyes. “Not always when you top, well, actually you are when you top but it's a different set of emotions there.”

Jeremy bit his lip; when he was on top it  _was_ different. Then he was intent on making James feel good, fascinated by what he could do, and felt his heart swell by seeing James' face as his eyes closed in pure pleasure. That James even allowed Jeremy to do any of this was a miracle.

“We didn't have sex during those months because you never relaxed. You need to be. So it would have been horrid for both of us. If we're already honest, I am glad our relationship works so well that you hadn't felt like you had to have sex with me. Yeah I like it, it's fun.” James took a deep breath before going on. “But you, you need trust to be able to relax around someone. You said so before. You know you did. I never thought that it was only the sex for you either. Rather … that you allow me to take care of you when you're in a state in which – let's be honest – you have little to no control over yourself.”

Jeremy bit his lip, knowing that James hit a nerve. He was right … For a brief moment he was scared that James knew this.

“That's what you emotionally respond to,” James simply went on. “The way I look at you, I know damn well what I think when I do. I can't tell you now because then you'd burst out in tears.”

He was already close enough. “I think I have a vague idea,” Jeremy muttered and blinked rapidly. He didn't want to cry right now.

James gently ran his hands along Jeremy's shoulders and pulled him closer, letting him rest against his chest.

“No wonder we have a no soppiness rule after orgasms,” Jeremy muttered into it.

James kissed the top of his head, and then nuzzled his nose into his hair. “Come on, we broke it at least a hundred times.”

That was true, little “I'll miss you,” “I've missed you,” and even “I love you,” along with calming and loving words during or after sex had always been uttered. Sometimes they were more important than a stupid rule …

Jeremy closed his eyes, enjoying the closeness. “There is something else,” he began.

“Okay?”

“When I was in rehab, I wrote many letters. All of them addressed to you, and to this place but I couldn't send them off until my last day.”

“All right.”

“There is one I'd like to take out,” Jeremy muttered. “I know they're addressed to you, but please, when you check the letterbox can you give them to me first.”

James pulled back a little and pressed a soft kiss onto Jeremy's lips. “Sure. Something I need to worry about?”

Jeremy shook his head. “No, it wasn't a break-up letter or similar.” James always respected his privacy, Jeremy knew that he was curious sometimes but he never asked unless Jeremy brought the topic up. Still he went on. “It's something about my past … and I wanted you to know.”

James nodded, most likely assuming that Jeremy had lost his nerves.

“I still do, but not like this. I want to tell you.” Jeremy shook his head before James could reply. “Not now, or today. I don't know when or how. But I am going to.”

For a moment, Jeremy was surprised to feel James' thumb on his cheek. Then he realized that a tear had escaped him. “Okay.”

“Thank you,” Jeremy mumbled. He cleared his throat, trying to regain his bearings. “It's nothing with drugs or anything illegal. No worries.”

Luckily, James seemed to sense that Jeremy tried to change the mood and smiled. Jeremy could tell that it was more an attempt to humour Jeremy. He loved this man. “Shower?” Jeremy asked after a while.

James agreed. They detached themselves, and then James offered Jeremy his hand. “Wanna wash my hair?”

Jeremy smiled at him. On the rare occasion that James allowed it, Jeremy had enjoyed it a lot. Yet he replied, “Is it too exhausting to wash them on your own?”

“As if you wouldn't like it.”

 


	16. Bet

“If the McLaren isn't the fastest …” Jeremy stopped, thinking for a moment. “You two can knock my house down.”

“What?” Richard chimed in as James looked up. _Had he heard that correctly?_

“Knock it down.”

“What, your house?” Richard ask again.

“Yeah, and I mean that.” James stuffed his hands into his pockets, trying to suppress the small twitch in his fingertips while Jeremy kept on talking. “That's how confident I am that that will be the fastest.”

James blinked, still confused. Jeremy couldn't be serious! He knew that they needed a new bet due to copyright issues. He also knew that it needed to be something better than “changing” his name to Jennifer – as if Jeremy wouldn't have found a silly way around that - but his house? James had thought that it would be something like a cock-doodle or Porsche tattoo on his ankle. Jeremy could have warned him about the idea at least. But, of course, he had wanted their reactions to be authentic.

“You know we will do that?” Richard asked. He was enjoying this.

“Yeah.”

“It's a serious bet.”

“Yep.” Jeremy offered Richard his hand. This would seal it.

For a very brief moment Jeremy caught James' eyes.

“Fine,” James replied slowly. _It was his house_ … James thought with dread as he shook Jeremy's hand.

“If that's not the fastest ...” Richard began to recount. “... we can knock your house down?”

“Yup.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I think we should do more shots with the chopper,” Jeremy explained to Andy as James walked up to him.

He cleared his throat. Jeremy and Andy turned around, and James handed Jeremy the cup of coffee he had asked for when James had gotten his tea.

“Thanks, love,” Jeremy mumbled and took it. He sipped carefully and let out a happy hum.

James smiled weakly. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

Jeremy looked at Andy – asking for permission. Andy waved him off.

“Yeah, sure.”

They walked onto the balcony that oversaw the racetrack. They had already shot all the scenes on it and none of the cars were on the track at the moment, leaving it quiet and deserted.

“Am I in trouble?” Jeremy asked as they leaned against the railing.

James shook his head. “No. It's just about that bet ...”

Jeremy cut him off before he could say anything else. “Don't you worry about that. It's only my house.”

James cocked his head to the side. “Yes, but are you sure?”

As a reply Jeremy shrugged his shoulders. Ever since Jeremy had spoken those words, James could feel a small twist in his gut. He wasn't sure why. Maybe Jeremy had gotten himself into something that went over his head. Yes, it was “just” a house to him … and yet it was the place where he had watched his children grow up.

“I don't even live there any more,” Jeremy stated. “If I had found a buyer I would have sold it a while ago.”

At the moment, Jeremy rented it to a lovely family, their two children, and grandmother. But they had declared that they wanted to move out next year.

“Okay, but wrecking it to the ground is not the same as selling it,” James argued.

Jeremy sighed. Before he answered he took another sip of coffee, pleased with the taste. “Why do you always remember how I like my coffee?”

“Because I am thoughtful and caring,” James replied and felt a smile play on his lips.

“James,” Jeremy began. “I know you look out for me.” James looked towards the track, feeling silly for being called out so easily. Then he looked up and nodded weakly. “I appreciate it. I really do. But this wasn't a dumb spur of the moment idea as usual. I thought about this, I don't want that house any more. Even if I lose - which I won't - it wouldn't be much of a loss.”

James felt his gut twist again. “It's just a house, then?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Jeremy replied while shrugging his shoulders.

James surprised himself by the amount of dread that filled him as he heard those words. It had been the place where he raised his children, and – up to a point – led a happy life with Francie. Now it meant nothing to him. James knew that Jeremy was hardly a man who became sentimental about places, but “... so any house is just a house then?” James mumbled despite himself.

_Shit._ James really shouldn't have said that. They were different men, James knew this. He liked it, it was one of the reasons he loved …

“You're placing words in my mouth,” Jeremy replied.

James noticed that Jeremy was shuffling closer and nudged his shoulder.

“I would never bet our pub,” Jeremy reassured him.

Only then did James look up again, seeing that Jeremy's brows were slightly knit in worry. James shook his head. “I … yes.”

“Our pub isn't any house.” Jeremy gave his shoulder a squeeze. “I know that you adore it, so I should better look after it.”

James felt himself smile and nodded. He leaned towards Jeremy, when suddenly he heard a voice behind them.

“James, Jeremy?” James looked over his shoulder, seeing Eva standing behind them. Without meaning to, James could feel his cheeks turn bright pink. While their relationship had never been much of a secret, they had also never been this … intimate around the crew.

“Yeah?”

“The mister asks for both of you,” she stated, indicating Wilman.

Jeremy nodded. Before they parted, Jeremy cupped James' cheeks and pressed a soft kiss on his head. James held onto Jeremy's hips and closed his eyes; he felt incredibly giddy.

Then Jeremy let of him and walked past. The burning in James' cheeks only intensified. He cleared his throat and followed suit. Eva walked next to him and waving in the vague direction of his face. “That's a good colour for you.”

James opened his mouth to reply with something smug. Nothing came to mind.

Luckily Jeremy had been within earshot and offered James a way out. “You should see the colour he gets when I get naked in front of him.”

James rolled his eyes. “White as a corpse,” he stated casually and was sure that the pink on his cheeks was lessening.

Eva began to laugh and shook her head. Jeremy dropped behind so he could walk next to James.

“Exactly,” Jeremy replied, and nudged James side.

 


	17. Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update-Note: I meant to update this yesterday, but Indy500 turned out to be more exciting than expected. Furthermore, I think you noticed the interval between updates getting longer, I am sorry about that, but it seems like it's not going to change any time soon. Please bear with me. 

“And now we'll go and get shit-faced,” Jeremy concluded their very last live show. Afterwards they retreated to the green room.

At first Jeremy had joined the conversation James and Richard were having. After Jeremy had come back fetching his iPhone he only appeared to be listening. Given that this was Jeremy Clarkson, a man who had an opinion about everything, it should have worried James more.

Richard didn't seem to notice, or gracefully chose not to. James had worried that something like this might happen. After all he knew Jeremy. He didn't worry too much. Jeremy would come around, after all they'd shoot their first major film tomorrow.

He chose to act like Richard and gracefully ignored the mood swing. It was unlikely that Jeremy wanted to have a heart to heart anyway. “Pub it is then?” James asked everyone in the green room. They all chose that Jeremy's half-joking comment would be held up. It was a lovely idea and Jeremy smiled at him.

“Tell the others,” James explained, and patted Jeremy's shoulder. “Come on then.”

Jeremy smiled shyly and nodded. Together the whole crew made it to a pub. They ended up playing a slightly better version of  _Mustang Sally_ and ordered beer for everyone. Jeremy, Richard, and James decided to pay, it was their thank you for so many brilliant shows.

James always tried to keep an eye on Jeremy. He didn't want him to retreat too far into his shell. Maybe they would simply leave if that happened. Most of the time he found him talking to a crew member.

This only lasted for so long; when half of the crew had gone home and only the hard-core remained, Jeremy had gone quiet. They were seated around a table, sipping on the rest of their drinks. Jeremy was sitting next to James, and his hand resting on James' thigh as a small comfort. James didn't mind. While James took the mickey out of Richard's beard, Jeremy's hand left him and he cleared his throat.

“I'm gonna go to the loo,” Jeremy declared. James just nodded and ordered another round of drinks for all of them. Then he began to consider some curry as well. He always felt a bit peckish when he drank a lot. However, he knew that Jeremy wouldn't welcome it. Maybe if he were to eat some curry too, James considered, but then again Jeremy didn't really eat anything after midnight.

This reminded him … James turned around and looked through the pub. He couldn't spot Jeremy anywhere. James always thought that such a tall man would be easy to spot in a crowd. James had a vague idea where Jeremy might have gone.

“I'll be right back,” James announced and left for the bathroom. A small shiver ran through him as he opened the door.

“Jezza?” he asked, seeing that the other man was standing by the sink, washing his face. “All right?”

Jeremy looked at him via the mirror and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Sick?” James asked, knowing very well that neither of them had drunk enough for that. He wanted to give Jeremy an excuse in case he didn’t want to talk.

Jeremy shook his head. Then he took a deep breath and faced James.

James bit his lip. He could see that Jeremy had been crying. His eyes were slightly red-rimmed. “Hey, come here,” James muttered and took a step towards him.

“No, I ...” Jeremy protested quietly but didn't do anything to stop James from hugging him. So James wrapped his arms tightly around Jeremy's middle. He hoped that it would be enough for now. Jeremy relaxed into the touch and wrapped his arms around James while burying his head in his shoulders. “I just ...”

“I know,” James muttered and kissed his cheek. “Don't worry.”

James held him; just drawing comforting circles on his back, wanting to make him feel comfortable. Jeremy muttered a small thank you into his shoulders.

“I hate endings,” Jeremy admitted when they apart a little.

“I know that.” James did too. All of them had a strange aversion towards change. Little things could and should change, but the big frame that everything was constructed on should always stay the same.

“I've had too much of that this year,” Jeremy added quietly and wiped his cheeks.

James smiled sadly at him and nodded. “But it's not the end,” he tried to comfort him.

“Still,” Jeremy sniffed and looked away. “I don't think I have a right to feel like that. After all I fucked up.”

“Don't say that,” James gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Your reaction is perfectly normal.”

This time Jeremy looked him in the eyes. He seemed almost grateful, but still sad. James had been afraid that this would be harder for Jeremy, due to the guilt he had felt. All of them had – in their own odd ways – reassured him that they would stick together and forgiveness came in different ways.

“I just hate endings,” Jeremy repeated quietly.

“Jezza,” James said as sweetly as it seemed possible. “It's an ending, but not the end. Okay?”

Jeremy nodded.

“Tomorrow we'll start a major film for the new show,” James explained to him. “And there is a lot that hasn't ended. I – for one – won't leave you, not unless you force me to. We're doing this together,” James went on. “Hammond clearly isn't fond of leaving, and neither is Wilman, who you have known for all of your life.”

Jeremy nodded, and this time a small smile formed on his lips.

“Listen, I know change is scary. Yes, this is an ending. But more importantly it's the beginning of something new,” James reassured him. “Understood?”

James knew that Jeremy might have a bit of trouble coping. After all he wasn't a man who blessed the broken road. He tended to hold onto things – no matter if they were still good for him – because he feared change. If Jeremy had never gotten a divorce then he and James might never have become a couple and he would be stuck in a marriage where neither party was happy. Sometimes change was needed for something better. But saying goodbye to what you are used to was hard, James knew that.

“Yeah,” Jeremy replied. “I guess I am a bit lucky.”

“Huh?”

“Well, people say that you have one person on your side. But that's bullshit,” Jeremy began to explain. “If you are really, _really_ lucky you have more than one person who comes along during all of your life, but in different ways.”

James understood what he meant.

Suddenly the bathroom door opened, and Richard walked in. “Speak of the devil,” Jeremy muttered and rolled his eyes.

“What is it with you always walking in on us in the loo?” James teased him.

“Me?” Richard stopped in his track and shrugged his shoulders. “What is it with you guys always having some moment when I'm trying to take a piss?”

Jeremy laughed and shook his head.

“Are you all right?” Richard asked and cleared his throat.

“Yeah, like you said …” Jeremy answered, as cocky as he would usually be. “... just trying to have a moment.”

“I'm afraid you guys are too old to be shagging on the loo,” Richard simply replied and went to the urinal. “Have been for a millennia.”

“Mmh, fond memories, James,” Jeremy gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Remember those times at the BBC office?”

“Yeah.” James felt a slight flush creep oton his face. “Lovely memories.”

“Though I fear I can't lift you like that any more.”

“No,” James agreed quietly and eyed Richard from the side.

“You two did not shag at the BBC!” Richard protested while he hasty zipped up his trousers again.

“Oh yes, we did,” Jeremy announced.

“Twice,” James added.

Richard pulled a face and walked past them to the sink.

“Should have never gifted me that bottle of lube,” Jeremy teased him while a wide grin formed on his face.

Richard washed his hands. “You two are joking.”

“Might be,” Jeremy answered calmly. “Or I may have fucked James against a wall in a cabin, while he had a finger up my arse.”

James bit back a sly grin and licked his lips. “Let's not forget the time I had you with your trousers around your ankles and took you from behind.”

“Uh, very fond memories.” Jeremy took a deep breath. “Very nice. Do you want to make it three times?”

James laughed and swallowed hard. “Sure, don't have any lube though?” He took a step towards Jeremy.

“Nah, don't worry. Hammond can get us some,” Jeremy declared while shrugging his shoulders.

“No.” Richard's voice was high pitched. “I'm not helping you two have sex.”

Suddenly, James and Jeremy burst out laughing. They couldn't keep it together any more. It didn't take long until Richard laughed along.

“You two have fun, but without me.” Richard walked towards the door. “I know how that sounded!”

Then he left and James and Jeremy alone again. They were still giggling happily.

“That was nice,” Jeremy stated as James began to regain his breath back. “But we do have a problem now.”

“Do we?”

“If we walk out now, he will make endless jokes about how that didn't last very long.”

James nodded and bit his lip. “Well, damn. Guess we have to have sex after all.”

Jeremy laughed brightly and scratched the back of his neck. Then he kissed James.

 


	18. Night

James hardly managed to shut down his body. He had been rolling from side to side. His mind was foggy and so sleep would not be restful. He knew that it would never be until he’d be off the painkillers and his body would start to heal properly.

James had been willing to shoot with a broken arm. That wasn't the big problem. As long as he kept it still it didn't hurt all that much. His car was an automatic, sometimes he used his knees to drive, and at least this gave Jeremy and Richard an opportunity for a new joke. Still, there was the pain. James tried to ignore it most of the time. He couldn't take too many pain killers while driving, so he hardly had a choice. At night he took another pill hoping for a restful sleep. It never seemed to come.

Jeremy tried to comfort him. It was miserable comfort when he told him time and again that the first week was the worst. After that the body would get used to the pain or it stops hurting. As if James had never broken anything in his life before and didn't know this …

After filming had ended that day Jeremy helped him as best as he could. Sadly this had the effect that James started to feel invalid. He couldn't slip out of his jacket or shirt without help. James even needed help under the shower. Usually James enjoyed getting his hair washed by Jeremy but it was different when he  _had_ to get his hair washed. The only thing missing was that Jeremy had to help James take a piss! At least Jeremy seemed to sense when James was in the mood for teasing and when he better should rather keep quiet. James really didn't mind when it was for the greater good of the show. However, when he could hardly shave himself with his left hand and Jeremy helped, he couldn't use a comment here or there. So it was done in silence …

A small part of James that wasn't annoyed that he needed the help was quite fond of this. This caring Jeremy, that went the extra mile to make sure James wouldn't hurt himself further. He was touched.

However, what James wasn’t fond of was his sleep. It was foggy, hazy, and broken into pieces. Every other hour he would wake up, feeling like he hadn't slept at all, only to force himself back to sleep. Furthermore, James had no control over his body, and ever so often he would roll onto his bad side.

When Jeremy was spooning James, he would hold him in place. James wouldn't roll onto his bad side. But when Jeremy had rolled back during the night, the pain was inevitable when James sought out the warmth and too comfortable chest. It was a habit, but a moment later a sharp pain, followed by a hollow one, would travel up his whole arm, screeching. Just a harsh reminder that he had broken another bit of his body.

James winced painfully, shutting his eyes tightly. He cursed quietly and rolled onto his back again. He shook his head. He couldn’t even sleep on top of Jeremy any longer!

In all those years James had never realised how often he sought out Jeremy during the night. In frustration he kicked their blanket. Maybe Jeremy would roll over and hug him from behind. Not exactly what James wanted … but at least some comfort.

But Jeremy would do all of these thing too if James would sleep on his chest! James let out a grunt and rolled onto his healthy shoulder. He hated this shit! As if last year’s broken ribs hadn’t been bad enough. He was too old to constantly break some yet other part of his body. _One day he would tumble down the stairs and break his head!_ James cursed quietly.

Then James could feel Jeremy shift in bed, and another quiet curse escaped him. He hadn't meant to wake him up. The poor man had trouble falling asleep anyway. James could often tell that Jeremy was lying awake, only keeping his eyes closed. Now he had woken him up because he couldn't lie on Jeremy's chest?!  _Fucking great …_

A moment later, James could feel Jeremy’s warm hand between his shoulder blades. “James?” Jeremy mumbled quietly, shuffling a little closer

James knew that he was tense. He took deep breaths in an effort to relax a bit. Jeremy shouldn't have to worry.

“You okay?” Jeremy asked, slowly spooning up with James. His arm sneaking around James’ tum, and pulling him closer inch by inch. Then he hooked a leg in with James'. It was tight enough that James wouldn’t accidentally roll back, but loose enough that he could slip away if he wanted to.

“I am fine,” James mumbled, feeling Jeremy’s breath on his cheek. “I just … rolled onto my arm.”

“Hmm …” Jeremy didn’t say more.

“You should go back to sleep,” James muttered. So far Jeremy hadn’t come fully around … he could still fall back into a deep and restful sleep.

“Can’t sleep if you’re constantly moaning in my ear,” Jeremy explained.

“Usually, you like that,” James replied, and heard a quiet giggle from Jeremy.

“Come on, what’s wrong?” Jeremy gave him a squeeze.

James sighed. “Apparently … your chest is irresistible.”

“Thank you,” Jeremy snuggled closer and kissed his cheek.

“It’s just … okay, I miss it,” James admitted. He was sure that he was blushing as he had said it. He could feel his cheeks getting warmer and hoped that Jeremy wouldn't actually notice it.

“That’s normal,” Jeremy responded quietly.

“It isn’t.”

“It is,” Jeremy insisted.

James rolled his eyes. This could go on for a very long time. “But … we share a bed, it should be fine.”

Jeremy sighed. “And yet … here you are.”

James bit his lip. He wanted to kick him for exposing him like that. Of course the man was right, damn him.

“Listen, you regularly sleep on my chest. Either while cuddling in the morning ...” Jeremy paused for a moment. “... sneaking on it during the night, or even falling asleep on it. It is normal that you miss it.”

James huffed. He couldn’t believe that he used Jeremy’s chest so frequently.

“And in which freaking couple is one always the big spoon,” Jeremy finished, pressing a kiss on his cheek.

James shifted a little. “Wait, so Francie big-spooned you?”

“She did, and it was joyous.” Jeremy confirmed. “Wait, were you always the big spoon?”

“Sarah wasn't much for spooning.” James bit his lip. “Neither was I, if I am honest.”

“True that,” Jeremy kissed him on the lips. He seemed to understand that James hadn’t meant to include him in that statement. Up to a point James liked cuddling, but spooning? It had taken a while until James had felt fully comfortable and wanted to be spooned as well. Jeremy was different, he seemed to have found a middle way that everyone else had always missed.

When Jeremy held him it didn't feel like he held him captive, instead there was always a small gap that James could use to escape should he need the space. Oddly enough, James had never needed it.

“Okay, I miss your chest. It’s … comfy,” James admitted quietly.

“I want that in writing.”

As soon as the words had left Jeremy’s mouth, James kicked him in the shins. Jeremy faked a small yelp. Then he shifted his weight, crawling over James to get to the other side of the bed. They were lying so much in the middle of the bed that there no risk that anyone would tumble down.

“What are you doing?” James asked.

“Letting you sleep on my chest,” Jeremy stated as he fluffed up the pillow.

“But …” James stuttered for a moment. “ … you can’t sleep when you lie on that side.”

Jeremy shook his head and lay on his back. “I also can’t sleep when you keep moaning.”

Then he patted his chest, as if James was a dog who was allowed to jump on him now.

“But Jeremy …” James began to protest quietly.

“Come on, I’ll be fine,” Jeremy mumbled and reached for James, moving him closer. “Stop worrying. I know what I am doing.”

James carefully rested his head on Jeremy’s chest. He couldn’t reach around him, due to the sling, but with his other hand he reached for Jeremy’s shirt, holding onto it, feeling the fabric between his fingers. James closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation and smell.

Yes, he had missed this. He felt Jeremy carefully wrap and arm around his middle.

“See?”

James only nodded, finally content again.

 


	19. Shirt

James stretched his toes, turned to his good side, and closed his eyes again. He did not want to wake up. Even though he had noticed that the spot next to him was already empty. If Jeremy would still lie in bed James would have gone full octopus on him: a leg hooked in with James' while Jeremy's arms enclose James to make sure that he would not rest on his fractured arm.

At least it was healing well. In a week or two he would be back in one piece. The arm had stopped hurting as much as it did prior and he could hold light things with his hand. Sadly, he couldn't lie on this side for longer than ten minutes yet.

While James was touched by Jeremy's caring, he looked forward to getting by on his own, and no extra treatment any more. Jeremy would stay on his side of the bed – all the time – and he wouldn't insist on carrying James' shopping because, “Nope, you can't carry two heavy bags with one hand. That's against the law.”

After their return from filming James had avoided driving a car for almost three weeks. Last week he had tested it again, and while he wasn't too confident about tight bends or high speeds, there was almost no pain.

James sighed, and slowly opened his eyes. The smell of coffee, tea and …  _biscuits?_ hit his nose. Jeremy must have made breakfast. Spurred on by the wonderful smell, James heaved himself out of bed and trundled down the stairs. Bounce was sitting at the bottom still trying to reach for one of the fairy lights they had put up.

“Morning, cat,” James greeted the cat and petted its head. He watched as he snuggled around James' feet. After a few careful scratches behind the ear Bounce walked towards the kitchen.

James followed but thought that it was odd that Jeremy hadn't fed the cat yet.

“Don't fall for his bullshit,” Jeremy explained as James walked into the kitchen. “I already fed him.”

James looked at the cat, which looked back. “Brrp?” the cat asked James, sitting patiently near the bowl.

James sighed. “Okay, because it's Christmas.” He gave in and reached for the cat food bag.

Jeremy rolled his eyes. “Remember when you accused me of spoiling Brunel?”

He took the food bowl and filled it while Bounce began to purr louder and louder.

“It is just that one time,” James replied to Jeremy with a smile on his face. Of course, he new that he was spoiling the cat. “Besides, Brunel still sleeps in our bad.”

“On occasion,” Jeremy added and took a sip of his coffee.

After James placed the bowl in front of Bounce, Jeremy handed him a cup of tea. “Happy Christmas, love.”

James smiled and kissed Jeremy. A soft kiss that lasted for a while. Jeremy smiled against his lips when they parted.

“So, has he been?” James asked and cocked his head to the living room, where they had put up the Christmas tree yesterday.

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah, but it's a mystery when ...”

James shook his head. Yesterday, there had been no gifts under the tree but when they walked into the living room James saw that someone had put them underneath. “I wonder who it could have been. He's got a bit of a gut ...” James pointed at Jeremy's obvious belly. “... he was here when I wasn't, and is old.”

Jeremy shook his head. “I am not Santa Clause. I haven't got a beard because I am a decent human being.” Jeremy pointed at James' scuff.

James began to smile and shook his head. When they weren't filming they shaved less frequently than usual. Especially for James it had become difficult with his broken arm, and after two times when Jeremy had shaved him James had decided that scruff wasn't so bad at all. James knew that Jeremy didn't like a beard on his own face. Other than an occasional joke here and there, Jeremy did not comment on James' facial here. He did not demand James to shave.

In the living room James sat down on the sofa. “What do you have for me, Clarkson?”

Jeremy smiled and reached for a flat package under the tree. Then he handed it to James, and sat down next to him. James looked at him and began to notice that he seemed almost shy. After a moment Jeremy rubbed the back of his neck.  _God damn the man, he was actually nervous because of his gift!_ So James decided to take pity on him.

James began to inspect the wrapping: blue paper with many Santa Clauses on sledges, and a lot of deer. When James felt along he noticed that inside was something soft, like cloth. Maybe a towel? Or a piece of cloth?

James carefully ripped it open. He saw a bright colours, and a small frown appeared on his face. “Hmm?”

Then he pulled the rest of the wrapping off. It was a shirt. A moment later James began to laugh. It was wonderful! Naturally, it was a shirt with floral print. But Jeremy had chosen very bright colours. The background was bright green while the flowers were in the most vivid blue James had ever seen. James loved slightly silly shirts.

“Where did you find that?” James managed to asked after he calmed down.

“Do you like it?” Jeremy asked carefully.

James nodded. “I love it.” Then he stretched over and kissed Jeremy. Twice on the lips and once on the cheek.

“I … I made it,” Jeremy muttered.

“Oh god, it's going to fall apart any moment!” James declared.

“It is not!” Jeremy protested, while holding back laughter. “I know how to sow.”

“Or so you claim.” James narrowed his eyes. He knew that Jeremy could sow; he had watched him fix enough socks, holes in James' shirt and the shirts of his children. It just seemed like an unlikely skill for Jeremy to have; he was so wonderfully contrary.

“I love it, Jez, it's wonderful.” James leaned against him. A moment later Jeremy wrapped his arm around him. James sighed and relaxed. “When did you find the time to do that?”

Jeremy smiled. “I am sneaky.” He kissed the top of James' head and then rested his chin against his head. “I used the week when you visited your German friend.”

James nodded. “It was lovely idea.”

“Thank you,” Jeremy replied. He pressed a kiss underneath his ear. “You don't have to wear it. I mean, it's a silly present.”

“No, no, I'll wear it,” James insisted. “I'll find the perfect moment.”

“Mhm.”

They stayed quietly like this for a while. James cuddling further into Jeremy's warm chest, while they were sipping on tea and eating breakfast. Occasionally Jeremy would massage James' sore shoulder with his free hand while the other remained draped around James.

They enjoyed the time they still had together. This year Jeremy had the children during the holidays and they would come during the afternoon. James could give them their presents but there was no time for quiet time like now. On Boxing Day James planned on driving out to his family – given that Jeremy's relationship with James Senior was a bit touchy, James was glad that he didn't have to inflict his whole family on the poor man. Sometimes James wasn't sure he looked forward to so many other Mays in one place.

For now, they enjoyed each other, lying on the couch, muttering little words and telling each other silly Christmas stories while sharing small kisses …

 


	20. Regret

“Now you've really outdone yourself.”

Jeremy had already waited for James to break the silence. Ever since they left the charity event together, and even there, the mood had been gloomy.

“Go on then. Give me your best shot,” Jeremy dared him. At this point he was already beyond caring if he should treat James gently. He was annoyed, and wanted to irritate James on purpose. “What did I do this time? And, of course, it's _never_ your fault.”

James locked the door behind them and slipped out of his shoes. Jeremy could see that he shook his head. “I haven't done a slight thing, idiot. I tried to be nice, and get to a different topic so we could forget about it. You couldn't.”

Jeremy leaned against the staircase and huffed out air. Then he shook his head. “You brought that shit up in the first place. And you kept bringing it up!”

“You didn't stop with your stupid questions!” James shot back, and threw his shoes in the corner. “Then you whine if you don't like the answer.”

“I never whined!” Jeremy protested, seeing the way James glared at him. Jeremy didn't shrink away, he did not want to give in! He had done _nothing_ wrong this time. “You asked, I answer honestly.”

James shook his head. “Maybe you should stop saying what's on your microscopic mind!” James shot back. “Never done you any good in the past, has it?”

Jeremy took a deep breath, feeling anger creep up inside of him. “Well, I am sorry,” Jeremy began sarcastic. He could play dirty too. “I don't need to know every detail of your man-slut history, and where you put your stinking cock before we met!”

In exactly that moment, Jeremy could see a distinct shift in James. The anger, and the tension seemed to fade away. All the fight was suddenly gone. It was as if Jeremy had stepped on the off-switch. When Jeremy looked into James' eyes now, he saw sadness.

Jeremy swallowed hard. “No, I didn't mean it … I mean it's okay to sleep around, a bit,” Jeremy began to stutter, wanting to fix whatever he had just caused. “And you didn't even have that much sex in the past, I think and … erm … You're not ...”

“Never mind,” James mumbled and shook his head.

Jeremy was quiet for a long time, until he tried with “I am being an arse as usual, you know that.”

However, James didn't seem to react. “No, you're not.” Then he shrugged his shoulders and added, “I'll go to bed.”

Without any further words, James walked past Jeremy. Not looking at him, not saying anything else. Jeremy sank down onto the stairs, hold his head in his hands …  _what the fuck had he done wrong now? He hadn't meant for that to happen!_

Even during the charity event Jeremy hadn't been sure who really started this … debate. One of the waiters had recognized James and from the way James had reacted Jeremy had been able to tell that he hadn't been a fan, and that they had known each other in the past. He was an attractive waiter, and so Jeremy already began to feel a small worry that he had been one of James' ex-boyfriends. The waiter had disappeared quickly. When they had been alone, Jeremy had used the little courage he had and had asked James. James had promptly replied, “We used to shag.” As if he had been happy that he could rub something like that under Jeremy's nose.

Jeremy hadn't been able to help himself, he had felt jealous. That attractive man had been with James before Jeremy, and, of course, Jeremy had known that it was irrational and that James had dated people before him … Jeremy shouldn't have, after all they weren't together any more, James and Jeremy were a happy couple after all. So Jeremy had tried to squish this annoying flame of jealousy.

This hadn't stopped James from going on about the topic. It didn't seem embarrassing to him, and at least the relationship had found a mutual ending … At the same time Jeremy had felt like James enjoyed annoying Jeremy with this bit of information. Especially when James had joked – maybe he had been serious – that the Pretty Waiter and he had shagged in the bathroom there. This had caused a particular and very unpleasant mental image and Jeremy hadn't been sure if he wanted to fling his wine glass into the waiter's face or James'.

Then the mood had only continued to get worse … up until James had asked if Jeremy was feeling all right.

Jeremy had sighed and had replied honestly. “I don't actually want to know where you slept with people.”

James had huffed. “You asked.”  
  


* * *

 

The next morning Jeremy stood in the kitchen, pinning a little slip of paper onto the board when he heard James behind him.

“Where did you sleep?”

Jeremy turned around, lifting his cup of coffee and pointing at a cup of tea waiting on the kitchen table. “Erm … guest room.”

James sat down at the kitchen table. “You managed to find the bed under there?”

At the moment James' guest room was functioning as a storage room for all the things they wanted to move from London to Witney.

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah. I wasn't sure if … you'd want me … you know ...”

_To stay in your bed …._ James could finish the sentence himself. He sighed and shook his head. “It would have been … fine.” James paused for a moment. “Maybe not for the first half hour, but after that ...” James' lips twitched up slightly.

Jeremy bit his lip, and nodded slowly. “Can we talk?”

After a moment James nodded.

“Listen,” Jeremy began as he leant against the kitchen counter. “I … I know I was out of line. I mean it's true, I don't exactly want to know where you shagged with whom. But … I have no right to comment on your prior romances and entanglements. Those are your business, and … you couldn't have …” Jeremy stumbled over his words. “I mean, it would be silly to ask you to wait for me when thirty years ago you didn't even know about me. You're meant to enjoy life and do what you're comfortable with. You tried to be happy, that is perfectly fine … I don't actually mind that you slept with people before me, even if it was just for fun. That is allowed …”

James leaned back in his chair and nodded. “Clarkson, you didn't … I mean ...” James let out a sigh, struggling with words.

“Do you need a slip of paper?” Jeremy offered jokingly, knowing that sometimes they could express things easier when written down.

James shook his head. “You didn't intentionally hurt me.”

“Yes, but something I said hit a nerve.”

James looked at his hands. “Yeah.”

“I didn't mean to, okay?” Not that this would make a big difference, after all the damage was done.

“I know. And it was nothing you said directly. You're right,” James explained. “I also wouldn't want to know how much sex you had with Francie during your honeymoon.”

Jeremy shrugged his shoulders. “Which nerve did I hit?”

James sighed and shook his head. Then he pushed the chair away and walked up to Jeremy. He took the slip of paper from the board, read it. For a glorious moment, Jeremy could see a small smile forming on his lips. Then he put the slip into his trouser pocket and leaned against the kitchen counter next to Jeremy.

“When you called me a man-slut … it reminded me that I am not … very good at this,” James muttered. “I mean, I have slept with more people than you.”

“Careful,” Jeremy joked, nudging him.

“But … it's not that I was _having more fun_ before or liked the casual shag all that much,” James sighed.

Jeremy waited a moment. When he realized that James wouldn't go on, he began to talk instead. “So? It's logical, you had more relationships in the past, and shorter ones, so it's kinda … I mean, you know.”

James nodded. “That's the problem.” Jeremy frowned, not sure he was getting James' point. “When you said what you said, it reminded me that I am shit at this … at this relationship thing. Mind you, Walter ...”

“Wanker,” Jeremy corrected quietly, and was nudged by James as a result.

“... and I we were somewhat casual, we were young and it was exciting. That's not something I usually did. I slept with more people because I am shit at relationships.” James bit his lip. “I mean seriously, the longest I had is this one with you. And then there is you, and you've been together with Francie for 14 years! We're barely half that way!”

Jeremy wrapped an arm around James. Then he placed a kiss on top of his head.

“You even had a longer relationship with Alex, than you are having with me!”

“Don't mention the devil's name, James,” Jeremy mumbled, seeing that James' lips were twitching upwards.

“You and your first girlfriend were together for a whole year!” James went on. “Even your holiday romance lasted the whole holiday and not just a night or two. For fuck's sake, you can count all your one-night-stands on one hand and wouldn't even need ...”

Jeremy cut him off. “Love, listen, that's all right.”

James shook his head. “No, it isn't.” Jeremy wanted to say something, but this time James interrupted him. “At some point I was so deeply buried in shit, thinking that something is utterly wrong with me because I couldn't commit to any relationship that I agreed to a boyfriend who later decided to plant a fist in my face. I wish I could say that it had come without a warning, but it hadn't.”

Jeremy bit his lip, and gave James another squeeze. He knew that it wasn't easy for James to talk about Keith. Jeremy had wondered before if James had only gotten involved in this relationship because of a fair amount of self-doubt. However, he was glad that James had left as soon as that arsehole had turned violent that James had left. But Jeremy still wished that it wouldn't have happened in the first place.

“When he called two month later, I seriously considered meeting him again … because what else could I expect. I mean, I didn't but still ...”

“James,” Jeremy muttered quietly. It was the first time that Jeremy had heard about that call, but he didn't want to dwell on what he would have had to do to Keith. It had always been James' choice what to tell him and what not. “Then you met Sarah, and you were really happy with her. You don't regret that.”

James nodded. “I don't.”

“Good, and now you have me … and I like to believe that you're happy with us.”

James leaned further against Jeremy and nodded. “Yeah.” After a moment James took a deep breath and began to talk again. “When you called me a man-slut, it kinda dawned on me that I am … that I failed at so many relationships before and I am rubbish at it.”

“You're not,” Jeremy mumbled and gave him a squeeze.

“I think I am, you've been together with more people in the long term ...” James muttered.

“Yeah, and I still go divorced twice,” Jeremy stated the obvious. “Listen, it doesn't matter how long your relationships were, or how many you had. You're not rubbish at it. Those people weren't right for you.”

James sighed. It was likely that he had heard this sentence too often before.

“Don't sigh, I mean it. So what? I was married for a long time to Francie. Did that help keeping us together? No,” Jeremy began. “Alex and I were constantly uncomfortable near each other for the last few years. Maybe it would have been better to break it off sooner.”

“But ...”

“No buts!” Jeremy told him firmly. “You and your partner are supposed to be comfortable in a relationship. That's that. If you have to pretend to be something you're not, it's not going to work out. You never pretended. And let's be honest … you are not exactly the stereotypical dating partner.”

James giggled a little but nodded.

“That doesn't mean that you're a failure when it comes to relationships. It just means that too many people were too stupid to see how brilliant you are.” Jeremy's voice had gone soft by the end of the sentence. “Or, lucky for me, I guess.”

James smiled at him and shook his head. “You're an idiot.”

“But you love me,” Jeremy tried to coax him.

James closed his eyes and nodded slowly. “Of course.”

 


	21. Dizzy

“Hammond suggested this small beach bar where we could eat after today's shoot ...” James trailed off as he saw Jeremy sitting on the edge of the bed. He held his head in his hands and leaned forwards on his arms, breathing heavily.

A small alarm bell went off in James' head. He sat down next to him, and placed his hand on his shoulder. “What's wrong?” James asked as he gave him a small squeeze.

“Dizzy,” Jeremy mumbled, and let out a deep breath. “I got out of the shower and thought I'd fall over.”

James noticed that Jeremy was sweating slightly, and rubbed along his back to comfort him.  It looked like Jeremy's circulatory system had let him down. It could be sensitive due to the sudden change of climate when travelling to Barbados. Usually Jeremy wouldn't be fazed by this, but given that they were working hard, Jeremy might have forgotten to take care of himself properly.

“I don't wanna faint while being naked,” Jeremy complained. “I generally don't want to faint, but especially not when naked.”

“You won't,” James calmed him and padded his shoulder. He got up, took a glass and filled it with cold water from the fridge. “Drink a bit.”

Then James sat down next to him again, gently draping his arm around him. He watched as Jeremy carefully sipped on the water. Jeremy's hands were still trembling slightly but his breathing was coming more regular now.

“Are you feeling sick?” James asked.

Luckily, Jeremy shook his head.

“Okay, I think it's your blood pressure,” James muttered. This happened very rarely, sometimes even his children suffered from it. Usually it wouldn't take too much of a toll on Jeremy, and he could go about his day and push it higher by drinking coffee, a cola or eat something salty. “Can you lie back?”

Jeremy nodded. He shuffled to the side and rested back in bed. James took his feet and placed them on his shoulder. This way the blood would flow back into Jeremy's head, hopefully helping with his dizziness. Jeremy placed his second leg on top of the other.

A bit hopelessly Jeremy padded the bed to find the thin blanket. After all, he was lying here stark naked and, despite this being “only” James he was quite coy when it came to being exposed like that. In addition he wasn't feeling well, so James reached for the blanket and covered him.

“Thank you,” Jeremy mumbled.

James nodded, he rested a hand on Jeremy's ankles to keep them steady. He gently moved his hand up and down along the length of his legs to comfort him. James smiled as he saw the colour slowly returning to the Jeremy's cheek.

“Better?” James asked.

Jeremy opened his eyes and nodded. James guessed that they should be more careful today, and that he would have to keep an eye on Jeremy, no matter whether the man liked it or not. He didn't want Jeremy to fall over, least of all in front of any cameras.

“Drink enough today, okay?” James remind him. “Something with sugar in it.”

Jeremy nodded. “Yes, Mummy.”

James rolled his eyes but couldn't help a small smile. “Do you want to talk?” James asked after a moment. He wasn't sure how comfortable Jeremy would be right now.

Jeremy shook his head.

“Quiet then?”

Again, Jeremy shook his head.

“Oh, okay … I should talk then.”

Jeremy nodded.

“Hmm …”

There was a moment of silence when James wondered about what he should talk; fighter planes, or any other hobby that they shared? Then he remembered that he still needed to discuss something with Jeremy.

“Well … I actually wanted to ask you that when you weren't naked ...” James began and Jeremy cocked his head to the side. “But Mum and Dad are celebrating their - I think it's gold - golden wedding.”

“Nice,” Jeremy mumbled.

“Yes, and they invited us to the party ...” James explained. “So, if you want to come ...”

Jeremy nodded. “Are they sure?”

“Why shouldn't they be?”

Jeremy shrugged his shoulders. “I thought your father has something against me.”

James bit his lip at the comment. James' father preached tolerance, but at the same time James had always had the feeling that he had never believed James' bisexuality to be something different than a momentary fancy, a phase, or exploring a different side of the world to experience it.

When James and Jeremy hadn't been in a relationship, James Senior had always liked Jeremy. But after a year, James had finally broken the news to his father as well. Ever since then he could see a small twitch in his father's face when Jeremy came up in conversation. James had kept quiet for the time being, not wanting to cause a dispute. Jeremy seemed to be able to pick up on the underlying tension, and every time James Senior seemed to tease Jeremy they weren't sure if it was friendly banter or not.

A few years passed now, and Mister May seemed to have softened towards the idea of Jeremy as James' partner. Jeremy had been the first man James had introduced to his father as his partner. Mama May had explained that he had only been worried that James might get hurt. However, while James informed his mother about his boyfriends more often than he did his father, neither had known about Keith …

At the moment, it was touchy ground between Jeremy and James Senior. Jeremy had never been sure if his father would have been accepting of his own bisexuality. While Mama Clarkson had assured him time and again that he would have accepted him, James knew that sometimes not having an answer bothered Jeremy. So, James was understanding when Jeremy wanted to keep a distance, and built up walls when James Senior was “teasing” him again.

“If he has something against you, then only because you're a twat,” James tried to lighten the mood.

“Yes,” Jeremy smiled. “Sorry.” The apology was very quiet, so James assumed that he was sorry for bringing up the topic. “I'd be delighted to come. If only to help you escape from your family.”

“That's the only reason I asked.” James gave Jeremy's leg a squeeze. A house full of many Mays at a family gathering was not always a place of bliss and quiet.

“Your mum still owns me the recipe for your favourite brownies,” Jeremy muttered, and a small smile formed on his face.

Mama May had accepted Jeremy with open arms. Especially since Mama Clarkson had passed away, she had seemed to take Jeremy under her wings. She had always cared for and loved Jeremy. Furthermore, she had been a nurse during the aids crisis, and when she had noticed that James fancied boys as well had sat him down to explain everything; practising safe sex and another birds and bees talk. James still believed that it had been the most awkward conversation of his life, but until this day he was grateful.

“I'll let her know,” James stated, and added. “Your colour is back.”

“I feel better.” Jeremy smiled.

“Can you sit up?”

Jeremy nodded. He slowly moved his feet off James' shoulder and sat up. He waited for a moment. “Right,” and shuffled towards the edge of the bed. He got up and stood stark naked in the room, hands on his hips. “James,” he declared, his voice at full boom.

“Yes?”

“Hand me my swimming trunks!” he ordered.

James snorted and shook his head. “How majestic.”

“I always am,” Jeremy whined as James handed him the pair.

James pressed a gentle kiss on his lips.

“Listen, if you don't want to go the anniversary ...” James began as Jeremy slipped into the trunks.

“No, it's fine,” Jeremy replied.

“My father likes you because you make me very happy. And you do. Okay?” James gave him a small squeeze. “And my mum loves you.”

Jeremy smiled weakly and blinked rapidly.

James gave his hand a squeeze.


	22. Doubt

Jeremy stepped out of the shower and took a deep breath as he rolled his shoulders. Then he grabbed a towel and tried his best to rub his hair dry. While doing so, he stepped towards the mirror and wiped the fog away. He sighed and moved to open the window. This would help to clear the bathroom, and Jeremy thought it was better to keep the door closed since James was still fast asleep in the other room.

Jeremy smiled when he thought back to the image, James naked in the bed they shared, the thin blanket wrapped around his hips, exposing only the top of his butt while he was lying on his tum to avoid the brutal sunburn on his back. Jeremy sighed happily, and reached for the shaving foam. The mirror had cleared, and Jeremy’s smile faded away. He rubbed the foam onto his face and sighed. He saw his ageing body, his rather enormous gut, the flabby skin and the circles underneath his eyes. Jeremy had always been aware that he wasn’t exactly “hot” or “handsome.” Thanks to the _Daily Mirror’s_ latest article, Jeremy had become hyper-aware of all those faults …

It really must be a boring news week if they felt the need to report about Jeremy being fat and old. Jeremy washed his hands and, without meaning to, he ran his hand through the remains of his hair. Maybe one day, he might end up completely bald. He wasn’t much of a pretty sight now … adding that … It would make him into a walrus: fat, lazy, bald.

Jeremy sighed; the only things that he thought looked good were his legs. On some days he even believed that others might consider his arms to be good-looking. Even though they seemed a bit spindly in relation to the rest of his body. Then again, he looked odd altogether, nothing seemed to fit together. An odd face, a gut that was too big, slim hips, and skinny legs and arms.

Defeated, Jeremy let his shoulders sag. _What was the point?_ He wondered. It wasn’t like he could change anything about it. He had other qualities that made him into a likeable human being. Jeremy leaned closer to the sink, inspecting the hard lines on his face.

Then again, it felt nice to be wanted. To have someone desire him. At the moment, Jeremy did not understand how James could ever want him, or honestly think that he was sexy. Maybe he didn’t, not anymore … How was Jeremy to know. As the _Daily Mirror_ pointed out, he wasn’t exactly fitting the image of the dream man.

Jeremy wrapped his arms around himself. Well, he did do a little bit of sport, Jeremy tried to tell himself. While it was helping him relax a bit, and making him feel more at home in his body by learning where it started and ended, it did not change much about his physique. Yes, the volume of his gut had lessened a bit, and even his doctor was happier with Jeremy this way … and yet, Jeremy wasn’t convinced.

Jeremy jumped as he heard James’ voice. “Morning, love.” It only took a moment until he felt James' arms sneak around his hips as he hugged him from the side. Then followed a kiss on Jeremy’s shoulder. “Nice,” James muttered.

Jeremy smiled at him, and wrapped an around his shoulders. “Slept okay?” Jeremy asked while James reached for his toothbrush.

“Yeah.” When James managed to reach it. “Yourself?”

Jeremy nodded. He had slept well, cuddling James, and burying his nose in the nape of James' neck. Jeremy enjoyed the small tickle, and with James' hair still at its current length, Jeremy he could stay there for most of the night.

James hummed happily, and began to brush his teeth while keeping an arm around Jeremy. Then he mumbled something Jeremy had no way of understanding.

“Listen, it's not much use if you have something in your mouth,” Jeremy stated as James rolled his eyes.

Then James bent over the sink to spit. Afterwards he reached for the razor and handed it to Jeremy

“Oh.”

James cocked his head to the side. While Jeremy was … doing whatever it was he had been doing he appeared to have completely forgotten that he still had shaving foam on his face.

Jeremy awkwardly cleared his throat and began to remove the fine hair. All the while James brushed his teeth and kept an arm around Jeremy.

When Jeremy finished, James wetted a towel and gently rubbed the little remains of foam away. Then he pressed a kiss on his cheek. “Exactly how I like it.”

Jeremy faked a smile, and before he could stop himself asked, “Only that and nothing else?”

James shrugged his shoulders. “The rest is nice as it is.” He pressed a small kiss onto Jeremy's chest.

Jeremy might just believe him, even though deep inside Jeremy knew that he would never stack up to anyone's beauty standards. He had other good qualities …

A moment later James detached himself from Jeremy and turned on the shower. “Can you wait for me so we can have breakfast together?” James asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

Jeremy was about to turn on his heel when James pulled back the shower curtain back. “Jez?”

“Yes?”

“Your hair is nice, especially when fluffy,” James began with a smile on his face. There was a very short period when Jeremy's hair was long for his standards but he didn't have to go to the hair-dressers yet. Then James liked to run his hands through it, at least when Jeremy allowed it.

“You don't care about looking good, which makes you look good,” James picked up again. “You're nice for cuddling. I can confirm that your training is working, even if it's in small things.” James took a breath and kept on going. “I don't mind your tum, because I know it's you, and it's squishy and perfect for blowing raspberries on it.  Then there are your hands and arms. And you know how much I love your legs. Furthermore, you have one of the best smiles, and I love your eyes. Okay?”

Jeremy swallowed, feeling his hand become twitchy. He hadn't expected James to say any of those things. He had expected less that James meant them, and even less that Jeremy believed him. However, James spoke with so much conviction that he did.

“Erm ...” Jeremy bit his lip, for a moment he felt called out; apparently James had known what Jeremy had been thinking about when he had been alone.

Instead of replying Jeremy smiled at James and nodded instead.

James smiled too. A moment later he pulled the shower curtain back and declared, “I need 15 minutes.”


	23. Shopping

James hummed as he walked down the aisle with the shopping basket in his hand. They only needed supplies for the weekend. Afterwards James and Richard would set off to Marrakech to film the beginning of their film while Jeremy was in India.

“Beans …” James mumbled and dropped two cans into the basket. He only needed new toothbrushes, soap that didn’t come in bottles, and bog rolls.

James wandered along, spotting the basket of ever changing supplies. Jeremy jokingly called it the Basket of Rubbish. But each of them always stole a glance inside to see if there was something useful in it. In summer there would be swimming goggles, and funny Hawaii shirts. In winter there often were cheap hats.

James put his shopping basket on the floor, still humming the tune of  _Seven Wonders_ and looked through the Basket of Rubbish.

“Hmm?” James stopped, seeing something that might be useful.

He pulled the glove on and tapped on his phone’s screen. It still reacted to the contact. James let out a small triumphant cheer. Then he typed in a number and while he waited for Jeremy to pick up he slipped out of the glove.

“James May?” Jeremy picked up.

“Jezza,” James began, feeling a small smile on his face. “I am in the shop right now.”

“Good.”

“And they have those gloves with which you can operate your phone when you wear them,” James explained. Last year Jeremy had complained endlessly that his hands were _literally_ going to freeze into blocks of ice. “Do you also want a pair?”

“Oh, yes, please!” Jeremy cheered from the other end.

“Consider it done.” James found a second pair. He held it against his and roughly measured the difference between the size of Jeremy’s hands to his own.

“How much do you get for them?” Jeremy asked.

James threw the pairs into his shopping basket. “Nah, it’s okay.”

“Thanks, love.”

James felt a small blush creep onto his face. If the public knew that Jeremy called James ‘love’ … James had noticed an increase in Jeremy’s usage of the word lately. Yet, he only ever used it when they were alone. James did not mind at all.

“Soon we’re going to be back in a warm place with the sun shining,” Jeremy began to muse. James smiled at the mental image and picked up his basket. “Not this dreary, cold weather where you need special gloves.”

James bit the inside of his cheek. “You make it sound so pleasant here in England.”

“Ah, you know me,” Jeremy replied. “I am a connoisseur of words.”

The self check-out was currently occupied, so James wandered towards the nice looking cashier.

“’course you are,” James replied as he placed his goods on the table. “Are you looking forward to it?”

“To get away from this cold and miserable place?” Jeremy asked, and this time James did not even bother to hide the smirk. “Yeah.”

“Clarkson, it’s not _that_ warm in Morocco at the moment,” James tried to argue.

The cashier cleared her throat, mouthed a number James didn’t understand and pointed at the digital display.

“Am I going to need gloves to operate my phone?” Jeremy asked

James put his debit card into the machine, and bit back a smile. “No.”

“See?”

James rolled his eyes and typed in his code.

“Thanks for those again.” Jeremy’s voice was warm. “It was very considerate to think of me.”

“No problem, love,” James replied automatically. The machine beeped and James pulled his card out. Then he looked up, seeing the cashier smile at him. Suddenly James’ cheeks turned pink.

Had he called Jeremy ‘love’ … in  _public_ ?!

“I’ll see you in a minute,” Jeremy told him.

“Mhm.”

“If you don’t freeze on the way here,” Jeremy teased him. A moment later he had hung up.

James cleared his throat, and quickly placed his shopping into a bag. Maybe the lady didn’t even know who James was.

“My brother loves your show,” she began to talk.

_Great._ James thought for a moment. Not that he wasn’t flattered … “Thank you,” James replied. “Tell him ‘hi’.”

“I am going to.” Her smile was still bright, like a Cheshire cat. Well … even if she knew who James was, that didn’t mean she knew that ‘love’ referred to Jeremy Clarkson. Then again, they had only been in the papers again last week, when going for dinner, both of them with fags dangling between their lips, rolling their eyes and talking.

“You two make a cute couple,” she added.

_So much for that._ James thought, and the blush on his face only deepened. “Th- thank you,” he stuttered. It was something different to be told that from a complete stranger.

James looked up still seeing her grinning widely at him. He let out a sigh. “Sorry, I am just not … used to be being told … you know.”

She let out a breath, and nodded. “I am sorry if I crossed any line.”

“No, that’s not it, it’s just …” James cut himself off. He’d rather not tell a stranger that neither Jeremy nor James had ever been told anything like this since they had gone public. Usually, there was no comment at all, or just a joke about how one how one could put up with the other. “It was nice to hear, actually.”

“I am glad,” she told him.

“But don’t tell anyone that I call Clarkson ‘love’.” James winked at her. This was still something private for them; especially for James.

“Won’t.”

James took his bag and nodded. “Bye.”

 


	24. Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This contains some good ol' smut

They loved shooting in the warmth. There was never a cold breeze, no cold, wet, aching bones, no bitter and meek mood because of a slight drizzle. They could enjoy a drink while the sun set, share a joke, laugh. Best of all, sometimes they would stay in a hotel with a pool!

Currently, they were in Morocco, and the summer tourists had not arrived yet. Hence the hotel was relatively empty.

Jeremy hobbled back from their hotel room, wearing his swimming trunks and a white shirt now. “Wait for me,” he called after the group. “For god's sake,” Jeremy cursed. Finally he managed to kick his second flip-flop off. Now he could catch up.

“There you are,” James greeted him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He briefly leaned upwards to press a kiss onto his cheek.

“There I am.”

They headed for the pool. The water “only” had 20°C and since it started to cool down by now, not everyone was fond of a splash. Jeremy knew that it helped him to wind down. This way he would not crawl into bed, feeling overheated, and sweating. Instead it felt like he would crawl into a fluffy bun.

“Oh, I bet I can!” Jeremy heard Richard boasting from the bar.

James rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. “Do you know what it's about this time?”

Jeremy shook his head, but for good measure he shouted back, “No, you --- arg.”

Suddenly he was shoved right into James. Jeremy heard James squeak as he lost his balance as well. Together they toppled over. Jeremy heard a splash and he fell into the pool after James.

Jeremy kicked upwards, and when he turned around he saw James swimming next to him, a smile on James' lips but a string of curse words leaving his mouth.

“Hammond!” Jeremy shouted across the area. “What was that for?!”

“I told you I could do it!” Hammond boasted and collected money from some of the crew.

“What did you bet on?” Jeremy demanded as Hammond walked towards them.

“That I could throw both of you into the pool,” he explained, a wide smile on his lips. “In the same go. Look at that, I am rich!”

Richard waved the bills in front of Jeremy's face. Jeremy rolled his eyes, and when he thought that Richard wasn't paying attention he reached up to snatch them away from him.

“Oh, not so fast, fatty,” Richard pulled them out Jeremy's reach.

“Fatty?” Jeremy let out an annoyed sigh. “Tell me something new.”

Richard stuck out his tongue.

“You utter child,” Jeremy complained. He took a deep breath, ready to go on with more creative insults, when suddenly he was splashed on from his right. “What the ...”

He turned, and saw James grinning widely at him.

“Treachery? From you?!” Jeremy whined. So he splashed back.

“I won't have that!” James complained, splashing more water into his face.

Jeremy acted accordingly, he swam closer, and moved his arm through the water creating a big wave that hit James. “You started it!”

 

* * *

 

After half an hour, James and Jeremy were the only ones left in the pool. They had swum into a quiet corner, swimming small circles around the other to keep warm. A lazy conversation passed between them.

“How was India?” James asked.

Jeremy reached for James' arm and brought him closer. “Lovely, as always.”

James smiled. He knew that Jeremy had a soft spot for India. After a moment he floated into Jeremy and wrapped his arms around him. Jeremy paddled them closer to the edge of the pool, so he could lean against the wall.

“I bought you a gift,” Jeremy explained. “I sent it to Hammersmith though, I couldn't take it here.”

James nodded. He loved it when Jeremy brought him little gifts. It always told him that Jeremy thought of him when he wasn't there.

“Looking forward to it,” James muttered, and pressed his face into the nape of Jeremy's neck. James sighed, feeling content. He was close to Jeremy, who kept him safe by wrapping his arms around him, and he could watch the stars. “No light pollution.”

Jeremy hummed in agreement.

Then James pulled back. He was able to look at Jeremy, who was also watching the stars, very much at peace right now. James couldn't help himself and pressed a small kiss on his lips.

“Hmm?” Jeremy turned towards him now, smiling at him.

James kissed him again, this time lingering. When they parted, their foreheads were resting against each other, both smiling. After a moment they broke out into a giggle fit.

This ended when Jeremy kissed James, cupping his cheek and pulling him closer. They parted again only briefly to catch their breaths before James leaned in again. He ran his tongue over Jeremy's lips, gently pushing, and Jeremy parted them.

“Mhm,” Jeremy hummed happily, his hand wrapping around James' middle.

James moved a leg between Jeremy's. He used the wall they were braced against to press closer to Jeremy, to press his crotch to Jeremy's. He could feel …

“Oh ...” Jeremy smiled against James' lips.

James wasn't the only one who was nursing an erection at the moment. Jeremy looked over James' shoulder, probably to check if any of the crew were still around. After all, they didn't want to break any laws of common decency.

Then Jeremy kissed him again. His hand wandered from James' spine, lower, until the finger slipped under the waistband of his trunks. Jeremy dragged his fingernails along the soft flesh, causing James to shiver.

“Maybe we should … go somewhere warmer ...” Jeremy suggested.

James nodded.

“Then it'll look more impressive as well.”

James couldn't help himself and began to giggle. He wanted to tell Jeremy that he loved him. “You're a cock.”

Jeremy blew him a kiss. “You wanna ride piggy back?”

“Oh yes,” James agreed with almost child-like glee.

Jeremy turned around, and James wrapped arms and legs around him.

“To victory!” he announced loudly, causing Jeremy to laugh while he swam towards the stairs.

 

* * *

 

Jeremy closed the door behind them. They had towelled each other dry near the pool. James was about to slip out of his still wet trunks when Jeremy took him by the shoulders and gently turned him around.

Then he kissed him. At first on the lips, lingering. It was soft and gentle. He was taking every time in the world. Just kissing, simple and yet oh so very lovely.

James hummed happily, palming Jeremy's chest. He took him by his shoulders, pulling him closer.

“How do we ...” James mumbled.

“Ssh.” Jeremy cupped his cheek, stroking along it. “I won't go too far …” James hadn't doubted that. “... it's about you.”

James bit his lips, feeling a small flush on his cheeks.

“Don't blush now,” Jeremy told him. “Need that blood elsewhere.”

“Oh god.” James rolled his eyes and began to giggle. Jeremy kissed him again. Then he wandered along his jawline, nibbling at the skin but not hard enough to leave a mark. All the while, he was guiding James to the bed.

“If you would be so kind,” Jeremy requested quietly.

James felt lost for a moment, he had been completely absorbed in the kissing and Jeremy's wonderful lips on his skin.

Then Jeremy pointed towards the swimming trunks. “We don't want the bed all wet.”

James agreed and stripped quickly. There was  _no_ sexy way to get out of sticky and usually baggy swimming trunks. James cleared his throat, and sat down on the bed. Jeremy stripped as well, walking naked towards James now. James saw his beautiful erection and licked his lips, wondering how Jeremy would pleasure him … Would he enclose James, bringing their cocks together and slowly stroke them? Or would he take his time, slowly licking up and down James' cock until he was a spluttering mess who couldn't think?

Jeremy crawled on top of James, and kissed him again. The vivid thoughts were drifting out of his mind when he felt Jeremy's naked skin so close. He drew circles on Jeremy's chest, teasing him. A delightful little yelp escaped Jeremy a moment later.

“Lie back down,” Jeremy told him.

“Am I too distracting?” James teased him.

Jeremy rolled his eyes. He gently pressed James down. “Always.”

Then Jeremy kissed his shoulder. James closed his eyes, he enjoyed being teased. Suddenly, he yelped as Jeremy dug his teeth into James' flesh. It had not been painful, but unexpected. James was sure that this would leave a mark, out of sight, where no camera would see. He did not mind.

“For being too distracting ...” Jeremy mumbled, now cherishing the bite mark. He ran his tongue over it, soothing the burning sensation. All the while, his free hand travelled lower.

Jeremy's hips were above James', their cocks occasionally touching if Jeremy shifted just right. Then he wrapped his hand around James' cock and gave it a squeeze.

James whined.  _Yes, please._ Jeremy moved up and then down. Slow and steady. He circled the tip with his thumb, using the pre-come as lubrication. Then Jeremy shifted, and a moment later James could feel the wonderful silk skin of Jeremy's cock against his.

_So like that,_ James answered his earlier question. Jeremy moved his legs underneath James'. This way James' thighs rested on top of Jeremy's. It was a better angle for both of them.

“You're very, very beautiful,” Jeremy mumbled as he sat back on his heels, their cocks still together. James wanted to sit up as well, kiss him, not lose the closeness. However, Jeremy rested his hand on James' sternum. He wasn't pressing down but it told James that he should lie back. “I hope you know how beautiful you are.”

James did, and at the same time he didn't. He knew that Jeremy thought so, but he also knew that he was wrong. And yet, he felt his face flush at the compliment. Especially in such an open situation: James' legs spread, erection visible, no piece of cloth that could hide any unfortunate fat rolls or forgotten body hair. His hair wet and pointing in all directions, his lips parted.

Jeremy began to stroke both of them in a lazy rhythm. James wrapped his legs around him. He wanted him closer, wanted to kiss him. But he couldn't, Jeremy still signalled him to remain down. Involuntarily James' hips twitched and a gasp escaped him. Jeremy cupped his cheek. He had stopped the motion, and leaned forward kissing him.

“Very ...” Jeremy mumbled between kisses. “Beautiful.”

He felt Jeremy slip away from him, his legs slowly drifting away, while Jeremy's mouth left a wet trail along James' chest.

Then Jeremy ran his tongue up his cock. He started at the base, and moved upwards in one lazy stroke. At the tip, he flicked his tongue and … “oh, god,” James moaned and clutched the sheets. Slowly, Jeremy enclosed him. He circled the tip while gently sucking.

“Fuck,” James muttered and closed his eyes. He reached for Jeremy's shoulder, holding onto him, gently stroking it as a sign of encouragement.

Then Jeremy moved downwards. It was agonisingly slow, wonderful and sweet. He was taking him in while James was left spluttered for words and Jeremy's name. Jeremy moved up again, giving him another suck. With a plop that should not sound so sexy he left James.

James opened his eyes, looking down.

“Good?” Jeremy asked.

James nodded vigorously. “Don't let me stop you.”

Jeremy smirked and nodded. Again he rested his hand on James' sternum. This time he applied pressure to keep James down.

James took his hand in his. Jeremy complied and stroked along it with his thumb, all the while running his tongue along James' cock. Then he enclosed him in his mouth again.

_Bless that man's oral fixation._ James thought for a blissful moment, feeling him move along slowly and lazily. Both were enjoying this. Jeremy hummed happily as he found a pace at which he could keep.

Then Jeremy untangled his fingers from James' hand. James was too far gone to really care, he had wrapped his leg around Jeremy's back, making sure he would never leave him. James had figured out the rhythm, and started to follow it with his hips. Thrusting upwards, wanting to be even closer, and giving Jeremy a chance to relax when he needed it.

Such beautiful torture, James thought as he felt his toes curl and his fingertips prickle. The beginnings of a slow orgasm. He reached for Jeremy, running his hands through his curls, and a smile formed on his lips. He let out a deep breath, trying to stay in control, to not lose himself just yet.

“Jez ...” James tried to warn him. The feelings became stronger. His stomach tightened. He wanted to push into him, against him, and come in that wonderful warmth, see Jeremy as he … “Shit, Jez ...”

Jeremy reached up, and took James' sides. He gave him a small squeeze and then picked up pace.

“Fuck … I … shit,” James spluttered. For a moment he wanted to inch away. Suddenly this was too strong. But Jeremy held him in place, he didn't give in. “I … Oh my ...”

James closed his eyes, wrapping his legs tightly around Jeremy. He felt release, and lost control over his breath, mind, and body. It was just right. James moaned Jeremy's name over and over, holding onto him …

 

* * *

  
“Welcome back.”

James blinked. The world came into focus again. James was breathing heavily, lying limbless on the bed. Jeremy kneeled in bed next to him, wrapping the thin blanket around James' hips.

James hadn't thought that he would pass out. “How long have I been gone?”

“Technically, not at all,” Jeremy explained and lay down next to him. “But you weren't exactly coherent.”

James sighed. Something told him that he should be embarrassed by this but he didn't mind. “Have I said something awkward?”

Jeremy shook his head. “Besides your undying love for me and my mouth?” James nodded. “Nah.”

James laughed and snuggled closer to Jeremy. As he moved his hips closer he could feel … “Uh, Jezza?”

“Don't worry about me,” Jeremy wrapped an arm around him, ignoring his still present erection.

James shook his head. “Hmm.” He disagreed, and reached between them.

“You really don't have to, just because I … you know,” Jeremy tried to explain.

James knew that Jeremy didn't want him to think that he had to jerk Jeremy off now because he had sucked off James. But that wasn't why James wanted to do it.

“... I want you to feel good,” James answered. He wanted Jeremy to feel as fantastic as James did right now, so they could enjoy this high together.

Jeremy nodded slowly. Hence James took his heavy erection between his hands, watching Jeremy watching him.

James shuffled closer, kissing Jeremy. There was no reason to make this fast and dirty. He'd take his time as well. At first only brushing his lips – he moved his hand up to the tip, Jeremy was already hot and slick with pre-come. Then James intensified the kiss, pushing past his lips, tasting salt. Meanwhile James moved his hand down to the base, an easy movement, a simple stroke, an immediate response as Jeremy's hips jerked.

James moved apart a bit. He gave Jeremy's cock a squeeze, watching as his eyes closed in pleasure.

“Utterly beautiful,” James told him.

He stroked him again, this time faster, and watched as Jeremy's lips parted.

“Very, very beautiful,” James reassured him.

Jeremy's brows began to furrow, eyes still closed. James continued to stroke him. He was very close now, barely holding on.

“Wonderful,” James mumbled against his lips. Jeremy was biting his own lips in an effort to hold on. “All that I ever want.”

Then Jeremy pressed against his palm. James tightened his grip and stroked harder, then James felt hot semen run along his hand.

James smiled, feeling Jeremy's body go limb. He rolled from his shoulder onto his back, letting out a deep breath.

“That was ...” Jeremy mumbled. He shook his head.

“I know,” James filled out the rest. “I meant it, in case you're curious.”

James wiped his hand off at a part of the blanket far away from them. He briefly brushed it over Jeremy's cock, cleaning him as well.

“I ...” Jeremy flushed and shook his head. “So did I.”

James smiled. “I know.” After all, there was honesty in Jeremy at those moments. “I hope you believe the words about you too.” James had started to believe him.

“If you do,” Jeremy mumbled, closing his eyes.

James moved closer, wrapping his arms around Jeremy, resting his head on his chest.

Jeremy enclosed him as well, and pressed a kiss on top of his head.

“Yes,” James replied, closing his eyes. “Yes, I do.”

 


End file.
